


Memories

by Angelpetal83



Series: “Memories” Universe [2]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Drama & Romance, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Sad Ending, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23860528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelpetal83/pseuds/Angelpetal83
Summary: No matter where you are or what you’re doing, the clock is always ticking. So, like they say, you should cherish the moment and the people around you before they disappear so that they’ll become precious memories that stay in your heart.For Jongwoon and Hyukjae, making memories is just like the usual. You enjoy your life as it is; you live and laugh, you cry and get angry, and you love and forget. It’s the emotional part of our souls that will never leave us no matter what.
Relationships: Kim Jongwoon | Yesung/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Series: “Memories” Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2164350
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marsowon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsowon/gifts).



**Memories**

  
  
  


_For izzy._

  
  
  


No matter where you are or what you’re doing, the clock is always ticking. So, like they say, you should cherish the moment and the people around you before they disappear so that they’ll become precious memories that stay in your heart.

For Jongwoon and Hyukjae, making memories is just like the usual. You enjoy your life as it is; you live and laugh, you cry and get angry, and you love and forget. It’s the emotional part of our souls that will never leave us no matter what.

  
  


❝ _The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it._ ❞

— Nicholas Sparks

  
  
  
  
  


**I.**

**T** hey first met each other in college. They were students in the same majors with young, ambitious hearts. Jongwoon was the quiet type who worked hard for his future while Hyukjae was the cheerful, popular one with many friends.

They were classmates at first in only a few classes since Jongwoon was two years older, and then they became friends when Jongwoon started tutoring Hyukjae in subjects he didn’t understand.

Hyukjae found Jongwoon interesting, especially the older’s reactions whenever he was teased. It only made Hyukjae want to tease him more just to see all the different faces he’d make.

It was why, when Hyukjae confessed to him brightly one day, Jongwoon didn’t believe him.

  
  
  


**II.**

**“S** unbaenim!” Hyukjae said, pouting as he slid into the seat next to Jongwoon in the cafeteria. “Why won’t you accept my confession? You’re so cruel, you know…”

Jongwoon was adamant in not looking at the younger beside him and kept on eating his lunch. “You’re always annoying me, always finding ways to piss me off. How can you expect me to believe you so easily? Also, call me hyung instead, it’s awkward calling me your sunbae,” he added quietly.

“Wait, do you really think I’d go so far as to confess to you as a _joke_ , hyung?” Hyukjae remarked, his jaw dropping open in astonishment. “I’m really being sincere here!”

Jongwoon paused in the middle of his eating to turn his head towards Hyukjae, his expression still containing a hint of doubt. “...Really?”

Hyukjae nodded fervently. “Yeah, of course! Geez, hyung, just believe me this time!”

Jongwoon didn’t know what to say. He set his fork down, head hanging slightly as he tried to process the situation in his mind. “You really like me?” he said, bemused. “But why? You… you like guys?”

Hyukjae stared at him. “Yeah, I do,” he said bluntly. “Why? Do you not like me, hyung…?”

Jongwoon was about to respond to that when he suddenly felt a finger rubbing the left side of his lips gently.

Hyukjae grinned as he pulled his hand away. “You had some ketchup on your lips so I wiped it off for you,” he explained cheekily at the surprised look on Jongwoon’s face.

Jongwoon flushed. He wasn’t used to this, especially a guy doing that kind of action to him. “You brat…” he muttered, face turning red. “I could’ve just licked it off myself…”

Hyukjae laughed. “Actually, I just wanted an excuse to touch you~” he said mischievously.

“Shut up, Hyukjae…”

“Oh, oh?? You’re blushing? Wah, _success_! I’m starting to make you fall for me~”

“Yah, keep it down! You’re so embarrassing!”

“Whyyy? It’s so fun!”

They spent the entire lunch period bickering back and forth until Hyukjae began to convince Jongwoon to hold hands.

Jongwoon stared at his proffered hand hesitantly, wondering if he should take it or not. If he did, would that mean he accepted Hyukjae? Was he willing to go down that unfamiliar territory?

“Hyung.”

Jongwoon looked up at Hyukjae’s soft voice.

“Don’t worry too much. It’ll be okay,” Hyukjae said warmly, his hand still extended towards Jongwoon. “I’ll always be here for you. Aren’t I reliable, at least?”

Jongwoon’s heart started to pound as he gingerly grabbed Hyukjae’s wrist, swallowing at the decision he made. Was he going to regret it, or was it going to be worth it?

“Eyy, hyung, not there,” Hyukjae scolded playfully, taking Jongwoon’s hand from his wrist and letting their fingers intertwine. “Here.”

It was just for a brief moment, but Jongwoon could’ve sworn that he felt sparks from their fingertips, causing his skin to tingle at the contact.

  
  
  


**III.**

**T** o Jongwoon’s surprise, they actually lasted. Even after they graduated from college with their degrees, even after they had jobs of their own, they still managed to be together. Hyukjae was quite understanding about Jongwoon’s insecurities, and even if Jongwoon had to endure all the relentless teasing, he knew that Hyukjae cared for him a lot. He was sincere in his words and actions, didn’t bother to sugar-coat things most of the time, and was like the bright spot of sunshine in Jongwoon’s mundane, boring life.

Jongwoon was aware of how monotonous and talkative he could be sometimes, especially when his friends pointed it out to him. Hyukjae wasn’t really the listening type, preferring to be mischievous most of the time, but even though he kept on teasing Jongwoon and making it seem like he wasn’t taking the older seriously, Jongwoon knew that that was the younger’s own defense mechanism. Hyukjae didn’t seem to like being too emotional, which was why he tended to laugh things off instead. Jongwoon never judged him for it though; if Hyukjae felt like sharing sentimental things to him, then that would be great, but if he wasn’t ready, that was okay, too.

The day they decided to live together was the day Jongwoon realized that this was it. That Hyukjae was going to be his only love, and the last one he would ever love again.

“Whoa! Is that the new grand piano you bought at that store last week?” Hyukjae exclaimed in admiration as he carried a box of his things into Jongwoon’s living room. The latter was following right behind him, carrying two stacks of boxes.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon responded with a grunt as he placed the boxes down on the floor. He wiped off the sweat from his brow using the back of his hand. “The melodies it produces are amazing. It’s worth the money.”

Hyukjae turned to his lover and held his arms, grinning brightly. “Are those the last of them?” he asked, gesturing to the boxes Jongwoon had brought in.

“You wish,” Jongwoon said with a wry smile. “There’re many more waiting for us outside. You have tons of stuff, you know. With all those clothes you brought, I don’t think my small closet can even fit them all in,” he teased.

“But you have a guest room, right? I’ll use the spare closet there,” Hyukjae said simply.

Jongwoon shook his head, chuckling. “The two fashion icons living together… this’ll be a disaster.”

“Are you saying you’re already regretting moving in with me?” Hyukjae said, frowning.

“For your information, _you’re_ the one who’s moving into my apartment, not the other way around,” Jongwoon pointed out. “And no, I’m not regretting it at all, so stop sulking already.”

“I’m not sulking,” Hyukjae said, pouting.

“Yes, you are,” Jongwoon retorted, laughing as he tapped the younger on the nose, earning him a squeak of protest. “Now let’s go back outside and move the rest of the boxes. After that, I’ll play you a song on the piano.”

At his last sentence, Hyukjae perked up, his eyes brightening as he smiled. “Will you play that song you composed for me back when we were in college?”

A flush crept up on Jongwoon’s cheeks. “Don’t remind me…” he whined, already on his way out the door.

Hyukjae followed after him with a playful expression on his face. “Why not?” he said teasingly. “That was an amazing time back then, it was when you realized that you were falling in love with me—”

Jongwoon pressed his hands to his ears, childishly refusing to hear any more of Hyukjae’s teasing remarks.

Hyukjae kept on blabbering even when they carried another batch of boxes into the apartment. “—and you were so _cute_ at that time, you kept on clinging onto me and hugging me wherever we went—”

Jongwoon lamented the fact that he couldn’t block out the chatter anymore since his hands were busy carrying the boxes. “Hyuk, come on, stop it,” he begged.

Hyukjae looked at him with mock surprise on his face. “Why? I _loved_ the way you were at that time! Who would’ve known that a serious man like you could be so cuddly and a soft romantic? I loved it!”

“ _Still_ , I was so embarrassing back then…” Jongwoon grumbled as he laid down the boxes on the living room floor. “I even made you a song and sang it in front of strangers…”

Hyukjae chortled at the memory. “You were _so_ drunk at the party that you grabbed Donghae’s guitar and started serenading me in front of so many people!” he recounted, giggling even more at the sight of Jongwoon’s alarmingly-red ears. “It was fine though since about half of them were drunk, too, but your voice sounded _so_ good that they all stopped to stare, _haha_!”

“Stop, let’s forget about it now, OK?” Jongwoon pleaded.

Hyukjae stopped laughing and embraced his lover with a wide grin. “Okay, okay,” he said softly, nuzzling his lips against Jongwoon’s neck. “Don’t be so embarrassed. I really did love it a lot.” He pulled back to stare at the other’s eyes. “Let’s play it again later with your piano. I miss hearing it.”

Later that day, after unpacking all the boxes and arranging Hyukjae’s things in the apartment, they sat in front of the piano, Jongwoon pressing the keys effortlessly as he sang the slow version softly while Hyukjae listened contentedly, laying his head on Jongwoon’s shoulder.

_🎶 “I promise you, there will be nobody else but you.” 🎶_

  
  
  


**IV.**

**L** iving together was, to Jongwoon’s surprise, quite easier than he initially thought it would be. He and Hyukjae had different hobbies and preferences, after all. For example, Jongwoon didn’t eat much while Hyukjae was a voracious eater, but also very picky.

There was also the matter of them not knowing how to cook. For one week straight, Hyukjae continuously cooked them ramen, which was the only thing he knew how to make, while Jongwoon sometimes ordered takeout when he got sick of the noodles after some time. In the end, they decided to learn how to cook and eventually planned a cooking showdown that would commence in one month to see who was the better cook between them.

It was a bit childish, but it sparked both of their competitive spirits, so they went to work on preparing themselves for the cook-off.

Hyukjae learned through cooking shows on the television and by streaming recipe videos on his phone. He didn’t want to cook any seafood, so he focused on noodle-based meals and ones involving tasty meat.

Jongwoon, on the other hand, learned a variety of recipes from Ryeowook, his friend and neighbor, and even asked help from Kyuhyun and Jungsoo who lived only blocks away. He preferred hands-on practice, so he absorbed every tip given to him like a sponge.

When a month finally passed, Jongwoon and Hyukjae stood in Kyuhyun’s dining room. They decided to hold the competition in the latter’s house since Kyuhyun’s home was big and he had two kitchens from each side.

Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Jungsoo were the volunteer judges.

“So, does everyone have their ingredients ready?” Kyuhyun asked with a spoon in hand.

“Yes!” Jongwoon and Hyukjae chorused.

“OK, I’ll give you guys exactly 1 hour. Start!”

The two immediately went to work in preparing their ingredients. Kyuhyun watched them from the side, giving comments every now and then. Ryeowook had already set the timer on his phone and went towards the living room to watch TV. Jungsoo, on the other hand, browsed through his social media account, knowing that the food was going to take a while.

After one hour, two dishes each were placed on the table, both contestants looking very proud of themselves.

“Contestant Kim, what are your dishes?” Kyuhyun asked, critically eyeing the steaming-hot bowls in front of him.

Jongwoom cleared his throat. “I made spicy chicken stir fry and spicy soft tofu stew,” he explained. “Since Hyukkie likes chicken and he doesn’t like seafood in his soup, I prepared these dishes to appease his tastes,” he finished proudly.

“Hyukjae-ya,” Jungsoo called out with a laugh, “wipe that drool off your face, will you?”

Hyukjae looked startled at the sudden call-out and reflexively wiped the side of his lips with the back of his hand. When he didn’t feel any kind of liquid on his skin, he turned to Jungsoo.

“ _Aish_ , hyung! How dare you trick me!” he exclaimed, feeling humiliated.

The others laughed at Hyukjae’s embarrassment while Jongwoon raised his arms triumphantly.

“Looks like I’ll be winning this one,” he teased.

“They haven’t even tasted it yet,” Hyukjae grumbled.

“Then please explain your dishes to us, Contestant Lee,” Kyuhyun said, turning to Hyukjae’s side of the table.

Hyukjae’s features lit up when he realized that it was his turn now. “Since both of us like meat, I prepared spicy pork bulgogi—” Kyuhyun let out an exaggerated gasp at that which earned him a glare from Hyukjae. “—and kimchi udon noodle stir fry. It caters to both our tastes well since one has meat and the other has noodles,” Hyukjae finished confidently.

Kyuhyun, however, leaned over and sniffed the bowls. “Hmm, smells edible at least,” he remarked casually.

“Yah!” Hyukjae resisted the temptation to slog him. “What’s with this unfair treatment? How come you guys didn’t say anything bad when it was Jongwoon-hyung’s turn?” he complained.

“Because we’re more scared of _your_ cooking skills than with Jongwoon-hyung’s,” Ryeowook responded bluntly.

Kyuhyun nodded. “We’re the ones who coached Jongwoon-hyung, after all.”

“Plus, you’re more fun to tease than Jongwoon,” added Jungsoo with a snicker.

Hyukjae groaned. It was _so_ unfair!

In the end, they picked Jongwoon’s dishes over Hyukjae’s, mainly because Hyukjae’s cooking was, in nicer words, kind of bland compared to Jongwoon’s slightly overseasoned ones. Hyukjae sulked in his seat until Jongwoon came over to him and attempted to feed him with a spoonful of rice.

“Say aah~” Jongwoon prodded.

Hyukjae pouted, but opened his mouth anyway and let Jongwoon put the rice inside. After that, Hyukjae took a piece of chicken from his plate and ate it without hesitation.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon crooned, rubbing the younger’s back soothingly.

“I’m not a kid,” Hyukjae muttered, causing Jongwoon to break into a chuckle **.** He smiled then, because Jongwoon’s laughter, as always, was like music to his ears.

In the end, they kept feeding each other lovingly, causing Kyuhyun and Ryeowook to feign vomiting noises at the side while Jungsoo was busy taking a video of the two lovebirds. All in all, it was a chaotic yet fun night to remember.

  
  
  


**V.**

**“M** y checkup is finished,” Hyukjae announced cheerfully as he strode over to his lover. “It’s your turn, hyung.”

Jongwoon smiled faintly and allowed the younger to escort him to the doctor’s office. When they entered the room and Jongwoon was seated before Dr. Choi, Hyukjae turned to the older man and grinned brightly.

“Doctor, please take care of him! His headaches and stress habits have been occurring too much lately and—”

Jongwoon waved a dismissive hand at him, looking embarrassed. “Hyuk-ah, I’ll be _fine_ ,” he said, shooing the younger away.

Hyukjae pouted. “I was just worried… OK, fine,” he grumbled, opening the door to leave. Before he exited though, he turned back to Dr. Choi.

“Doctor, remember what I said!” he called out before leaving. Jongwoon raised a hand to his temple, massaging it with a sigh.

Siwon looked slightly amused with the whole thing. “He’s as chipper as always, I see…”

Jongwoon groaned. “Tell me about it. He treats me like a kid sometimes when _he’s_ the real kid here…”

Siwon laughed at that, then took Jongwoon’s hand in his. “So your headaches are starting to occur frequently? Let’s do the checkup quickly.”

When Jongwoon finished his examination and Siwon was in the middle of explaining, Hyukjae suddenly opened the door, startling them both in their seats.

“Hyung! I’m gonna go to the bakery nearby and order some pastries,” Hyukjae said excitedly, not noticing the grim looks on the two’s faces. “Do you want some?”

“O—Oh… yeah, Hyuk. I’d like some,” Jongwoon responded tentatively., not really turning his body fully to face his lover.

“Great! I’ll be back later since you’re still in the middle of a checkup.” Hyukjae gave them a cheery wave and left the room. They could hear the younger’s faint footsteps walking away before it eventually disappeared.

“Thank goodness he didn’t hear...” Jongwoon said ruefully, his shoulders sagging in sadness and relief from the unexpected interruption.

Siwon stared at his patient with sympathy in his eyes. “I know it must be hard, but… back to where we left off…” Siwon glanced at Jongwoon’s stiffening frame. “Jongwoon-ssi, I’m really sorry to say this, but…” Siwon looked pained to say his next words. “The treatments aren’t working… I’m so sorry. I can’t guarantee...”

Jongwoon listened to everything, an aching dullness spreading in his chest. Siwon’s words were like an empty echo now; his ears were starting to ring and everything seemed to be slowly fading into white noise.

He knew that this was coming, he knew it deep inside his heart, but he’d refused to believe that it would actually happen.

And now here he was, wishing that he could have more time.

More time with Hyukjae.

Exhaling deeply, Jongwoon only had one request.

“Please… don’t tell this to Hyukjae,” he choked out. “ _Please…_ ”

At Siwon’s hesitant nod, Jongwoon buried his face in his hands and cried.

  
  
  


**V.**

**“W** hat’s wrong?” Hyukjae’s soft voice snapped Jongwoon out of his thoughts.

He and his lover were sitting in front of the TV, watching a movie. Hyukjae wanted to watch the new Japanese romance movie that was coming out since it was based on a manga of the same name, so Jongwoon indulged him, being a movie lover himself. However, Jongwoon couldn’t find it in himself to surf the net on his phone or read the basketball magazine that was on his lap. He couldn’t focus on the movie, either.

“Huh?” Jongwoon responded, slightly dazed.

Hyukjae paused the movie and turned to him with worry in his eyes. “Hyung, you’ve been staring at me nonstop ever since the movie started without even doing all the multitasking things you usually do,” he pointed out. “What is it? Is something wrong? You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

Jongwoon shook his head, managing a small smile as he waved Hyukjae’s worries away. “No, it’s nothing, Hyukkie,” he assured softly. “I just zoned out for a bit, sorry about that… you can go back to watching the movie now.”

Hyukjae blinked. “Well, whatever you say… But, you won’t watch it together with me? It’s getting to the good part now.”

“I’ll watch it too, but I’m following a news thread on SNS at the moment…”

Hyukjae seemed doubtful at this since Jongwoon barely even looked at his phone all day but he shrugged it off, thinking that his lover must be in another one of his moods.

So Hyukjae went back to watching while Jongwoon glanced at his phone. He stared at his news feed for only a few seconds before he found himself staring at Hyukjae again.

This time, as he looked closely, he thought that Hyukjae had such a beautiful face. No wonder he was a popular guy back on campus. Not only were his looks enchanting to look at, but his personality was also quite charming in a way.

Jongwoon thought about how lucky he was to have a guy like Hyukjae by his side. Others didn’t really bother to get to know Jongwoon and found him intimidating and cold sometimes, but only Hyukjae broke into that shell and found small pearls hiding behind Jongwoon’s façade. Hyukjae never judged Jongwoon at all ever since they first met and it was that attribute of the younger that drew Jongwoon to him like a magnet.

 _Eight years feel so short now…_ Jongwoon thought to himself, biting his lips to prevent it from trembling. _I want to spend more time with him… to experience more laughter, more tears… more dates..._

_But…_

_How can I ever do that now…?_

_Will they ever be enough…?_

Because Jongwoon was so preoccupied with his thoughts, he didn’t even notice that Hyukjae had paused the movie again. This time, instead of asking questions, Hyukjae leaned towards his lover and snapped his fingers loudly in front of the man’s face, jolting the latter out of his daze.

Hyukjae chuckled as Jongwoon blinked at him in confusion. “You’re so weird,” Hyukjae remarked. “Why are you looking at me like you want to say goodbye? Geez.” He shook his head, not noticing the grief-stricken expression that briefly crossed Jongwoon’s features. “I know I’m irresistible, and I’ll always be here anyway, so I’ll never allow you to leave me. You got that?”

Playfully, Hyukjae flicked his boyfriend on the forehead, earning him a shout of pain from the latter.

“Yah!” Jongwoon yelled, rubbing the sore spot on his forehead. “That _hurt_!”

“ _That_ was for being sentimental in front of me this early at night,” Hyukjae retorted, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You’ve been acting so weird and distant ever since we finished that checkup at the hospital. Dr. Choi prescribed you some medicine that’ll help you with your headaches and told us that it wasn’t anything serious, right?”

Jongwoon nodded slowly, feeling guilty that he’d apparently been too transparent. He couldn’t help it, and the fact that Hyukjae was good at noticing things didn’t help matters, either.

“Geez, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that you’re hiding your terminal illness from me or something,” Hyukjae rambled on, unaware of the way Jongwoon’s eyes widened in panic and how the latter’s body instantly turned rigid. “But that only happens in soap operas anyway, and Dr. Choi assured us that nothing’s wrong with you, so don’t be too dramatic, OK?” Hyukjae grinned sunnily as he scooted over to his boyfriend and wrapped an arm around Jongwoon’s shoulders. “I’ll always be here whenever you need me, so don’t worry, my love~”

When Hyukjae kissed him on the cheek, Jongwoon felt his worries vanishing at that moment and relaxed against the younger’s touch, closing his eyes. He breathed in Hyukjae’s natural scent, memorizing it.

He really was lucky to have Hyukjae by his side.

 _Just for now…_ Jongwoon thought to himself as a stray tear fell from his eye which went unnoticed by Hyukjae. _Just for now… I’ll forget._

  
  
  


**VI.**

**J** ongwoon woke up in the middle of the night, his forehead perspiring with cold sweat. He’d had a bad dream.

Now wide awake, he glanced at his lover who was sleeping beside him peacefully, completely innocent and unaware of everything. Jongwoon felt extremely guilty for not telling him the truth, for letting him be ignorant. But Jongwoon just couldn’t bring himself to tell Hyukjae. Hyukjae deserved to be happy, to be blissfully unaware. He wanted the younger to enjoy his life at the moment, so Jongwoon planned to keep this heavy burden on his shoulders for the rest of his life.

Instead, he was going to live every day as if it were his last. He was going to take Hyukjae’s bucket list and do _all_ the things he wanted to do together. They weren’t going to waste time anymore. Time was precious; like they say, it’s only a matter of time before you disappear from the world, so live life to the fullest.

Jongwoon glanced at his nightstand and his heart clenched painfully when he saw the pill bottle lying there innocently. He had told a concerned Hyukjae that they were just another set of multivitamins prescribed by Dr. Choi for a better immune system and the younger bought his lie. Thank goodness Siwon listened to his request to place the pills in a small glass bottle without any labels. He couldn’t afford for Hyukjae to be suspicious about anything.

Sighing heavily to himself as he sensed the tears coming, he tried his best not to move an inch. Hyukjae was a light sleeper; if he turned on his side or sat up in bed, Hyukjae would wake up, so he willed himself to go back to sleep.

Just as he was starting to drift off to dreamland, he remembered Siwon’s words in his head.

_“It’s not going to happen now or later since it’s still in the early stages, but I estimate… about two months judging from the progression._

_“So remember… to make yourselves happy every day from now on.”_

  
  
  


**VII.**

**“I** love you.”

Hyukjae looked up from the game he was playing, looking sheepish. “Hyung, that’s the third time today,” he remarked. “And the _twentieth_ time this week, maybe?? What’s with you all of a sudden?”

Jongwoon smiled as he placed a cup of hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of his lover. When Hyukjae peeked at it, he saw that there were six small marshmallows floating on top of the warm liquid and tried to contain his smile. He had only mentioned this to Jongwoon once back when they were two years into their relationship, that he liked this kind of hot cocoa style. It was a wonder that the older still remembered that tidbit he let slip.

“Okay, what did you do?” Hyukjae demanded, facing his lover with crossed arms after turning off his phone and placing it on the coffee table. “Why are you being so nice to me? Did you cheat on me? Do you actually have a secret wife and kids in the countryside?”

Jongwoon scowled, then whacked the younger at the side of his head. Hyukjae yelped in pain, rubbing the part that was hit.

“ _Ow!_ What was that for?” Hyukjae whined.

“ _That_ was for being an annoying prick,” Jongwoon responded with a glare.

Hyukjae cackled, reaching out and locking the older in his arms. “I was just kidding~ hyung, I know you love me~”

Jongwoon sighed, but he couldn’t contain the smile on his face. He hugged back, letting Hyukjae bury his face in the crook of his neck. “You really can’t go on a day without teasing me, huh?”

“Of course,” Hyukjae replied immediately, causing Jongwoon to shake his head exasperatedly. “This is my affection towards you, hyung.”

“Okay, fine, I get it,” Jongwoon relented, tenderly rubbing circles on Hyukjae’s back. “Well? Won’t you say it back?”

“Say what back?”

“You know.”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jongwoon growled, stopping his ministrations on the younger’s back. “Mess with me one more time and I’ll make sure you regret it,” he threatened.

Hyukjae snickered at that. “Oh yeah? What are you going to do?” He was about to let go of the embrace when suddenly he realized that Jongwoon had such a tight grip on him. Squeaking in surprise, Hyukjae tried his best to pull away, but Jongwoon was too strong for him.

“What I’m going to do,” Jongwoon whispered huskily, leaning his lips towards Hyukjae’s ear, “is push you against that wall, ravish you like there’s no tomorrow, and make sure that you won’t be able to walk properly in the morning.” He pulled away at that moment, satisfied at Hyukjae’s wide eyes and flushed face.

“...” Hyukjae gulped, then chuckled a little, albeit nervously. “Ah… looks like I need to mess with you more then, hyung,” he responded, wagging his eyebrows playfully.

Jongwoon couldn’t help but laugh at that before shoving the younger to the couch and laying on top of him. He then proceeded to bite Hyukjae’s lower lip, causing the latter to gasp, and slid his tongue inside his open mouth.

Hyukjae’s hot chocolate was forgotten on the coffee table, already growing cold.

  
  
  


**VIII.**

**J** ongwoon was surprised one day to find yellow sticky notes all over their bedroom walls, some even decorated with heart stickers. It was such a surreal sight that he almost dropped his bag to the floor.

Hyukjae, who was busy attaching a note at that moment, turned to him with a jolt, apparently not expecting his lover to be back so soon.

“Ah, h—hyung,” he stammered, having the decency to look embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his head. “You’re home?”

Jongwoon’s lips were parted open in surprise. “You… what are you _doing_ , Hyukjae?” he questioned, his mind still reeling as he moved towards the sticky notes. He leaned closer to one and read its contents.

_You always talk too much._

Jongwoon’s jaw clenched as he finished reading. He turned to his lover, annoyed. “What are you trying to pull here?”

Hyukjae only laughed and continued writing and placing sticky notes on one side of the wall.

Jongwoon went to read another one.

_You do weird things most of the time._

Jongwoon scowled, then went to the next one.

_Your dancing is horrible._

Jongwoon growled. “Yah, is this a dissing wall or something? Give me that pen; I have _tons_ to say about you too, you little—”

Hyukjae laughed in shock as he raised his arms in a form of surrender. “No, wait, h—hyung! Read them all first!”

Jongwoon paused in his tracks, cast him a suspicious glance, then went back to reading.

_You wear too many accessories._

_You multitask too much._

_You’re too sensitive sometimes._

_You take too many selcas._

_This damn brat…_ Jongwoon thought to himself as he forced himself to keep on reading. _He really needs to be taught a lesson later…_

_You cry so much sometimes that it makes me feel awkward._

_Your jokes are lame, too._

_You tend to talk too much about yourself._

_You may seem cold and aloof sometimes, but your heart is really soft._

_Your voice is beautiful. I could listen to it all day._

_I never told you this, but I love it when you smile._

_Your laugh is contagious. I love making you laugh._

_When you touch me, I get shivers under my skin._

_When you’re affectionate with me, I feel like I’m on cloud nine._

Jongwoon could feel his heart leaping in his chest at the touching words he kept on reading. 

_When you hug me, I feel so safe and secure._

_When you play with my hair, I always smile like a little kid._

_Whenever you cry, it hurts me. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m only teasing you about it._

_Whenever you kiss me, my whole body feels hot and needy. You’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way before._

_Whenever I ask for you, you always drop whatever you’re doing to come to me anytime I need you._

_Even though you talk too much and even though you make my hand get cramps talking to you on the phone for hours, I still listen to you._

_Even though you take too many selcas, I always love it when we take pictures together._

_Even though your jokes are lame, I laugh at them because they’re actually kind of funny sometimes._

_Your dancing may be horrible, but I enjoy watching you nevertheless._

_Even though I tease you so much, you never get angry at me._

_You’re always patient with me even if I’m kinda bratty sometimes._

_I’m lucky to have you. I’m lucky you love me, too. Good thing you’ll always be mine. ♡_

When Jongwoon finished reading everything, he let out a sigh as he slowly turned towards his boyfriend.

Hyukjae was staring at him from the side, his expression unreadable. “Er… you’re not going to kill me, are you, hyung?” he whispered, his arms readying a defensive position just in case.

But Jongwoon just shook his head, emotions continuously pouring and shaking his body. “What… what made you do this for me?” he asked softly.

Hyukjae seemed to sense the sentimentality in Jongwoon’s voice and his posture relaxed. “Well… when I started doing this, it was about two hours before Valentine’s day,” he said, checking his watch since they forgot to place a wall clock in their room. “I wanted to do something meaningful for you since, well, you _like_ meaningful things, so I asked Heechul-hyung and Sungmin-hyung for advice,” he rambled on. “They suggested this since I can’t really say those things to your face… haha, ‘cause it’s embarrassing, sorry… A—Anyway, I don’t do cheesy things like this often so you’d better be happy with it!” Hyukjae added a bit nervously, watching Jongwoon’s expression closely for any form of reaction.

Jongwoon walked over to him until their bodies were centimeters apart. Hyukjae blinked in confusion when Jongwoon took his hand and raised it to peer at his watch.

“One minute and a half left before midnight,” Jongwoon said softly, his eyes resting on Hyukjae’s befuddled expression. They stared at each other like that in complete silence, Hyukjae swallowing the nervous lump in his throat as he tried not to avert his eyes away from Jongwoon’s penetrating gaze.

When Jongwoon looked down, there were only seconds left.

“Three… two…” Jongwoon murmured softly. “...one…”

At that moment, Hyukjae raised his head shyly to look at his lover’s face. Jongwoon smiled in response and patted his head gently, then he leaned down and placed a kiss on Hyukjae’s cheek.

“Thank you, Hyukjae,” he said gently, placing another kiss on the other side of his lover’s cheek. “Happy valentine’s day. I know it’s not much compared to your surprise, but I bought strawberry cake for us. I placed it in the fridge earlier.”

Hyukjae’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

Jongwoon chuckled. He knew that Hyukjae had been craving for that particular cake ever since he had a taste of it at their restaurant date a week ago. “Yeah.” He nodded and took the younger’s hand in his. “Let’s go?”

Hyukjae nodded eagerly, and both of them sat at the dining table, enjoying their midnight snack.

“Come to think of it,” Jongwoon mused as he chewed on a small slice, “I read every sticky note on the wall, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one with an ‘I love you’.” He cast a suspicious look towards his lover who only snickered in response.

“Eyy, that’s too much, hyung,” Hyukjae said, still laughing as he waved a hand dismissively.

Jongwoon’s eyes almost bugged out of their sockets. “T—Too much?!” he sputtered. “We’ve been together for eight years already and you say it’s too much to tell me you love me?”

Hyukjae shrugged. “You say it to me a lot for the both of us, anyway,” he replied nonchalantly.

Jongwoon growled, then lunged towards the younger and pinned him to the couch nearby. “You little brat,” he hissed. “I’ve spoiled you too much, haven’t I? Take this!”

Hyukjae’s eyes widened when he realized what his boyfriend was doing. “Wait, _wait_! N—No — _HAHAHAHAHA_!! Wait, s—stop it, n — _HAHA_!”

Jongwoon paid no attention to Hyukjae’s pleas and continued to tickle him mercilessly. Revenge was sweet.

“STOP!! I—I’m sorry — _HAHAHAHAHA_! D—Damn it, hyung, I’m t—tired — _gah_!”

“Reflect on your actions!”

“OK, OK, y—you win!!”

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

The next day, Hyukjae woke up with bleary eyes and searched for his phone on the nightstand. The sun’s rays were already filtering through the closed windows, giving the impression that it was afternoon already. Hyukjae glanced at the clock on his phone and almost gasped out loud at what he saw.

“Two o’clock in the — _whoa_! Why didn’t hyung wake me up?” In a flash, Hyukjae scrambled out of bed, put on his slippers, and began to walk towards the door.

However, in his peripheral vision, he noticed something odd to his left. Turning his head curiously to inspect what it was, he almost stumbled back in surprise.

The wall that he hadn’t touched last night was now filled with sticky notes, blue ones this time in contrast to the yellow ones at the other side. Hyukjae moved closer, enchanted at the sight, and when he spotted Jongwoon’s familiar handwriting, he began reading one by one.

_You’re annoying._

Hyukjae burst into laughter when he read that one. “He’s getting his revenge on me, I see,” he muttered in amusement, moving over to read the other ones.

_You’re like a kid most of the time._

_You get a knack out of pissing me off and displeasing me in front of others._

_You tease me so much that it’s all you ever do sometimes when we’re at home. Stop it._

_Your dancing is better than mine, I guess._

Hyukjae sputtered at that one, cackling maniacally. “This hyung is sulking so much!” he exclaimed, shaking his head at his lover’s childish antics.

_You’re cute whenever you pout. It makes me want to squeeze you in my arms._

_We’re like opposites but we understand each other’s differences._

_Your gummy smile is adorable, so don’t ever let other people tell you otherwise._

_My friends often tell me I spoil you too much, but the truth is I’m the one who’s always spoiled by you._

_All those guys who told you you were ugly can all go to hell with my fist on their faces._

_I admit that I hate it when you tease me too much sometimes, but your laughter chases all my angry thoughts away._

_You’re so kind, you never really get angry at people. When it comes to patience, I think you’re better than me in that aspect._

_You may play around a lot, but you can be serious and mature in situations where it’s needed._

_I talk a lot, but unlike the others, you answer all my calls and come for me whenever I need someone to talk to. I’m grateful for that._

_I’m the one who hugs you a lot, but when you’re the one initiating the hug, it feels like everything is worth it._

_I love it when you kiss me first. You get possessive, needy, and clingy whenever you give me affection. It makes me feel wanted._

_You never tell me you love me anymore. I’m sad (ಥ_ಥ)_

_I don’t care though as long as you’re mine._

_I love you, Lee Hyukjae._

_I love you a thousand times._

_I’ll love you till the end._

Hyukjae went out of the bedroom, found Jongwoon busily cooking lunch, and walked over to him. Jongwoon sensed him approaching and was about to greet him with a good ‘morning’ when he suddenly felt the younger’s arm snake around his waist from behind.

“What’s wrong?” Jongwoon called out softly, feeling Hyukjae rest his chin on his shoulder. “Did you see my surprise?”

Hyukjae smiled, turning his head to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek.

“Yeah, I did.”

Jongwoon turned off the stove to let the stew simmer a bit before turning around to face his lover. Hyukjae was still holding onto him, so their faces were very close to each other.

“Seeing that you gave me a kiss on the cheek, I guess you liked it,” Jongwoon teased.

Hyukjae laughed, leaning closer to press a kiss on Jongwoon’s nose. “I did.”

“Yah, that tickles.”

Hyukjae paid no heed and continued to shower his lover’s face with soft kisses all over, causing Jongwoon’s heart to beat fast at the sudden affection from the younger.

When Hyukjae pulled away, he chuckled. “Hyung, your ears are so red!” he teased.

Jongwoon huffed. “Excuse me for enjoying my boyfriend’s kisses,” he muttered, cheeks still flushed red.

Hyukjae grinned, then kissed him on the lips, tilting his head for better access. Jongwoon responded quickly, sucking at the younger’s lower lip before switching to the upper lip, biting it softly and licking it afterwards.

When Jongwoon felt his shirt being lifted slightly and hands began roaming up his back, his eyes flew open in surprise.

“H—Hyuk—”

“What?” Hyukjae’s hands went higher, seemingly undisturbed.

“Not h—here,” Jongwoon gasped out. “We still need to eat…”

Hyukjae took that opportunity to slip his tongue inside Jongwoon’s parted lips, cupping his face with his hands as he explored the older’s mouth ravenously. Jongwoon emitted a moan at the back of his throat, helpless at his lover’s dominance over him.

When they both pulled away to breathe, only inches apart, Hyukjae eyed Jongwoon with something predatory in his gaze.

“You’re right, I _am_ hungry…” He gave a bright grin that almost seemed innocent as he licked his lips. “...but it’s not food I want to eat right now.”

Needless to say, the stew grew cold in the stove after a long time of being forgotten.

  
  
  


**IX.**

**“H** yuk? Why are you lying on the bed?” Jongwoon asked one day as he entered their bedroom after lunch.

“I’m just gonna sleep a bit,” Hyukjae replied as he threw his arm over his eyes, covering them from the blaring fluorescents. “Hyung, can you turn off the lights before you leave—”

“Are you really sleepy? Don’t sleep yet,” Jongwoon said, his voice almost pleading.

Hyukjae retracted his arm, eyes flying open in surprise. “What? Why?” he asked, instantly sitting up on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s still afternoon out,” Jongwoon explained, moving towards his lover and sitting next to him on the bed. “Why don’t we go on a date? It’s been a while since we last went together outside to have fun.”

“Oh? Sounds good,” Hyukjae replied, covering a small yawn with his hand.

Jongwoon looked at him worriedly, his heart silently throbbing in pain. There wasn’t enough time left for them to spend a lot of moments together. Even though he felt guilty, he had to make another memory with Hyukjae before it was too late. He needed this — _they_ needed this.

“I’m sorry for ruining your nap. We can go buy a strawberry shake at the mall—” Jongwoon began.

Hyukjae chuckled, reaching out and pulling his lover towards him. Resting his chin at the top of Jongwoon’s head, he murmured, “Don’t be sorry. I’m wide awake now, stop overreacting!”

Jongwoon pouted. “I was just being considerate…”

“I know you were,” Hyukjae responded, kissing Jongwoon’s hair tenderly. “Let’s go on our date then, hyung~”

Jongwoon smiled, then pulled away from Hyukjae and began to get off the bed. “Alright, I’ll go take a shower first…”

“Where are you going?” Hyukjae said, causing Jongwoon to turn his head towards him in slight confusion.

“I just said that I was going to go take a shower,” Jongwoon pointed out.

Hyukjae grinned at him, showing his adorable gummy smile. “You forgot my kiss~” he reminded chirpily.

Jongwoon rolled his eyes in good humor. “Well, aren’t you quite clingy nowadays,” he teased.

Hyukjae pouted, tapping his lips with his index finger. “Come on, hyung~ just one kiss.”

Jongwoon looked at him warily. “Maybe you should get off the bed first…” he suggested.

Hyukjae smirked. “Why? You won’t be able to control yourself?”

“Don’t think perverted thoughts, you brat!” Jongwoon exclaimed, throwing a pillow at the younger.

“ _Ouch_!! Yah, you’re going to get it now! I’m the king of pillow fights, you know!”

“What? _‘Yah’_?! You brat, you’re speaking informally to your hyung?!”

“ _Merooong_ ~! Come and catch me! _If_ you can, that is! Muahahaha — _OW_!! Why did you hit my nose!!? Take _this_ , you cheater!”

“ _Ouch_!! You little — come here, you!!”

In the end, they got exhausted with their majestic pillow fight — with Hyukjae running around their apartment and Jongwoon chasing after him like a mad cat. Both of them announced a truce after that.

Once their laughter finally dissolved, they found themselves lying together on the floor, entwined in each other’s arms. Jongwoon smiled softly as he pecked the side of Hyukjae’s cheek.

“Looks like our date is going to have to be postponed tomorrow…”

Hyukjae grinned. “We can just have a dinner date at a restaurant later, no problem.”

Jongwoon laughed. “That sounds like a great idea.”

  
  
  


**X.**

**D** uring the long years of their relationship, they didn’t fight that often, but when Jongwoon came home that night sporting a bruise on his pale face, Hyukjae was out of his seat in a flash.

“What the—” In a few quick strides, Hyukjae was in front of him, hand reaching out to touch the contusion but hesitating in mid-air. Instead, he cupped Jongwoon’s face with his hand and demanded angrily, “Who the _hell_ did this to you?!”

Jongwoon grabbed Hyukjae’s hand and gently pulled it away from his face. “It’s nothing, Hyukkie,” he said. “It’s just a scratch.”

“A scratch?” Hyukjae repeated in disbelief. “You call this a _scratch_? I can clearly see a black eye already forming there! How can you say it’s nothing?”

“Hyuk, don’t be angry, okay?” Jongwoon pleaded quietly, sitting on the sofa in exhaustion. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Did something happen at work? You don’t usually get angry like this—”

“Darn it, of _course_ I’m angry!” Hyukjae shouted, startling Jongwoon by the heated glare the younger was sending him. “My co-workers thought I plagiarized some documents, my boss gave me a warning and didn’t even hear my side, and now you come home with a black eye! How can I _not_ be angry?!”

“Hyuk, please,” Jongwoon tried to soothe, “you’re stressed… come here for a moment—”

“Why are you trying to change the subject?” Hyukjae demanded, folding his arms in front of his chest. “You usually talk to me a lot about what happens in your day. What are you trying to hide from me?”

“I’m not hiding anything,” Jongwoon reassured. “I just want you to calm down for a moment.” He patted the empty space on the couch next to him. “Sit here, please?”

At the imploring look on Jongwoon’s gaze, Hyukjae finally relented and sat beside his lover a bit reluctantly. When he turned to him and leaned closer to inspect the bruise better, Jongwoon murmured that he shouldn’t bother and that it was going to heal in a few days.

Hyukjae’s expression was a combination of surprise and disbelief. “What on — why can I smell alcohol on your breath? Wait, did you go drinking tonight?” he demanded. “ _Damn_ it, Jongwoon-hyung, Dr. Choi _told_ you _not_ to drink while you’re taking your medication! How could you — wait a second, did you get into a drunken fight with someone?” Hyukjae’s voice was beginning to grow louder, and Jongwoon flinched at the harsh undertone, his headache growing worse each second. “Is that why you can’t tell me where you got that black eye? What the _fuck_ —”

“Hyukkie, I’m sorry baby, but can you please be quiet?” Jongwoon pleaded, his vision beginning to turn blurry. He really should not have drunk too much tonight. “My headache is killing me…”

Hyukjae looked like he wanted to explode at that moment, but he held it in. Exhaling harshly, he stalked towards the kitchen and began opening and closing the cupboards in search of something.

Jongwoon didn’t know what he was doing, but he couldn’t quite care at that moment. He rested his elbows on his knees, gently rubbing his temples in a desperate plea for the pain to go away. The stress was really getting to him and it was affecting him a lot more than it should.

Footsteps approached his way and Jongwoon raised his head to see Hyukjae with a controlled expression on his face as he held a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of painkillers in the other. He slowly set them down on the table and said stonily, “Take these and go to bed. I’ll go sleep in the guest room.”

Before Jongwoon could protest, Hyukjae was already walking off in the direction of the guest room. When he reached the door and twisted the knob, he turned to send one last glance towards Jongwoon and disappeared into the room afterwards without another word.

Jongwoon winced as he heard the guest room door slam in response to Hyukjae’s anger. 

  
  
  


**XI.**

**D** ays passed by just like that, with no words spoken between them during that time. It was killing Jongwoon on the inside, yet he couldn’t help but feel angry about it as well. In his mind, he always had the same thoughts over and over again: they didn’t have a lot of time left to be together. If he kept it going like this, then he would regret it forever. However, he could never tell Hyukjae the real reason why he acquired the bruise that day. He’d gotten drunk and did a stupid thing; if he told Hyukjae about it, he would only get madder.

Every night ever since their fight, Jongwoon found himself crying alone in their bedroom, clutching the sheets and grasping a pillow to his chest. They still had a bit of Hyukjae’s scent on them which Jongwoon missed dearly.

Jongwoon’s headaches came back as well and he couldn’t stand all the stress and pain so he kept on taking painkillers along with his medicine. He could clearly feel the dip in his immune system and he blamed it on lack of sleep and eating. Both of them had taken to cooking their own food or ordering separate take-outs ever since which created a very tense yet awkward atmosphere between them.

_I feel like I’m dying already._

Lost in a whirlwind of thoughts, Jongwoon decided to go pay another visit to Siwon. It was a good thing that he was close friends with the doctor, otherwise he would have no one to talk to. He was beginning to feel quite lonely and he hated himself for not being able to confide in his long-time boyfriend whom he trusted with his life.

_Hyukjae-ya, I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be back before 7._

He attached the note to the refrigerator and walked towards the front door, grabbing his coat on the way. He closed the door behind him, heard it lock automatically, and went down the stairs.

Outside, Jongwoon exhaled, feeling the tension settling in his gut. He really did need to pour out his suppressed feelings to someone or else he’d explode. He could only cry every night in their bedroom while Hyukjae was sound asleep in the guest room, letting out his pain every now and then. He couldn’t believe that everything was starting to fall apart at the seams. He knew he had to make it up to Hyukjae soon — _there was no time_ — but he couldn’t face his boyfriend like this, especially in his current sensitive state.

He needed to talk to someone, and Siwon was definitely the best choice for that.

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

“You still won’t tell him?” Siwon said quietly.

Jongwoon shook his head. “No. No… he can’t know about this. I don’t want to hurt him…”

“You’re not going to regret it?” Siwon prodded softly. “Death is a serious matter, Jongwoon-hyung… do you really want him to be kept in the dark until the end? What if he finds out?” Siwon held his tongue, but he couldn’t help saying the next words. “Are you sure he won’t hate you then?”

Jongwoon was silent at that, his hands wrapping tightly around his empty cup. He hung his head, feeling slightly ashamed at the imploring expression on Siwon’s face. He understood why his friend was saying all this to him, but it was hard. It was too hard to say, too hard to do.

All he wanted was for Hyukjae to live a life without worries, without stressing over anything. Jongwoon didn’t want to leave him, but he was afraid of Hyukjae leaving him, because sometimes people could change their minds, too. Hyukjae was an overly kind and gentle person but he also tended to be quite unpredictable.

Jongwoon couldn’t help but think that he was being the selfish one here.

“I just don’t want him to be sad…” Jongwoon choked out, tears falling from his eyes. “I don’t like seeing him cry, Siwon-ah… I love him too much. I don’t want him to _ever_ think and worry that I’m going to leave him someday.”

Remorse crossed Siwon’s features as he slowly pulled out his handkerchief and gave it to Jongwoon. Jongwoon shook his head, wiping away his tears using his hands, but Siwon insisted on wiping them instead. Jongwoon just sat there and let him be, internally grateful that he had someone he could spill his secret to. If he was alone, he wouldn’t know what to do.

Neither of them noticed Hyukjae who was standing frozen in the streets, gaping at them through the large glass windows of the café. Neither of them saw him clench his fists, turn away, and walk out of the scene that broke his heart.

  
  
  


**XIII.**

**I** t was tense in the apartment when Jongwoon came home. He saw his lover sitting down on the couch, his expression lifeless as he seemingly gazed into space. Jongwoon swallowed the sudden feeling of nervousness that crept up his throat.

“I’m home,” he croaked out, his voice still feeling a bit hoarse from all the crying he did in front of Siwon earlier. He took off his coat and placed it on the hanger, all the while sending concerned glances over at Hyukjae who seemed to have been waiting for him to come home.

He sat down beside him, not too near yet not too far away, and asked, “What is it?”

Jongwoon reached out a hand to touch his lover’s face, to comfort him, but Hyukjae moved away slightly, causing Jongwoon’s eyes to well up with tears.

Hyukjae still wasn’t looking at him. He seemed to be crushing something in his hand. When Jongwoon’s gaze lowered, he saw that it was a familiar white sticky note — the same sticky note that he had attached to the fridge earlier.

Jongwoon’s heart sank. He didn’t do anything wrong, but he felt guilty somehow.

“So how was your doctor’s appointment?” Hyukjae asked in a flat tone, closing his eyes as if he were enduring some sort of pain. “What did Dr. Choi say to you?”

“I just went to ask if I… if I could change my pills since I couldn’t handle their bitter taste in my mouth,” Jongwoon lied, shame filling his gut. “After that, Dr. Choi treated me to a late lunch…”

Hyukjae opened his eyes slowly, still having that unreadable expression on his face. “I see,” he said lifelessly. “I hope you had a great time…”

“Hyukkie, what’s wrong…?” Jongwoon had to ask. “You haven’t been looking at me the entire time we’ve been talking. If there’s anything—”

“I saw you, you know,” Hyukjae interjected quietly.

Jongwoon’s eyes widened. “What…?”

“I saw you at that café earlier,” Hyukjae repeated, this time more clearly. He didn’t elaborate on it further though, something which allowed Jongwoon to explain his side.

“I met Dr. Choi at the hospital first,” Jongwoon clarified quickly, watching as Hyukjae nodded slowly at his words. “I… I asked him to change my pills to something much stronger because the pain was sometimes too much for me… and after that he suggested we eat at a café so I could fill my stomach with something before I took my pills.” Everything was a half-truth so far.

Hyukjae’s gaze seemed cloudy as he slightly turned his head to face Jongwoon. “And…?”

It was at that point that Jongwoon understood. It wasn’t the fact that he and Siwon went out to eat together that made Hyukjae ask for his explanation, but rather the truth as to why Jongwoon was _crying_.

“...” Jongwoon opened his lips to say something, _anything_ at all, but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. He didn’t know what to say or _how_ he should explain what Hyukjae saw. He couldn’t possibly tell the truth _now_ —

Jongwoon was startled out of his troubled thoughts when Hyukjae suddenly spoke up.

“...Did you decide to leave me?” Hyukjae said quietly, but Jongwoon could clearly hear the pain in his voice. “Do you find it difficult being with me now that you had to cry like that in front of Siwon earlier? Am I not enough for you anymore, hyung?” Hyukjae’s tears fell down to his chin and Jongwoon felt devastated by the sight. Hyukjae rarely ever cried, especially in front of him.

And it was all because of his mistake.

“You never confide in me that much anymore,” Hyukjae continued on, sniffling. “Do… Do you still love me? If not, you can tell me. Tell me, and I’ll disappear if — if you want me to. I’ll—”

Jongwoon reached for him desperately, locking Hyukjae in his arms. He didn’t let go, not even when the younger squirmed and thrashed in his arms. Jongwoon shut his eyes, feeling like he was being stabbed by a thousand needles. The pain in his head and neck was coming back again, killing him on the inside, but he endured it.

“I love you, I _still_ love you, you’re the _last_ person I will ever love like this, and _no_ , I would _never_ leave you and I _don’t_ want you to disappear!” Jongwoon assured in a broken voice, his breathing short and rapid as he tried to get all the words out at once. “How could — how could you _say_ that to me after all we went through together?! Don’t say things like that again… please.. _please_ , Hyukjae…”

The two of them stayed like that for a long time, crying in each other’s arms. Hyukjae was sobbing apologies on Jongwoon’s chest while Jongwoon murmured soothing words to the younger, his eyes puffy from all the tears he shed.

Deep inside, Jongwoon was starting to get strained by the burden he was carrying. He felt like he was fooling Hyukjae all the time and the guilt was constantly sending a dull, aching pain to his chest.

_“Are you sure he won’t hate you then?”_

Siwon’s words came back to haunt him and Jongwoon sighed heavily, pulling Hyukjae closer to him until there was no space left in between their bodies.

“I’m sorry, hyung…” Hyukjae mumbled, his voice muffled into Jongwoon’s clothing. “I’m sorry… please don’t leave me…”

“I won’t… I won’t… I—I promise.”

At that moment, a traitorous voice inside Jongwoon echoed its words in his mind.

_Don’t make empty promises you can’t keep._

  
  
  


**XIV.**

**S** ometimes, Jongwoon thought about the stars in the night sky. He could remember his mother tucking him in bed in the past, telling him a tale of souls becoming stars when they die. Jongwoon believed that story as a child and always prayed for the souls in the sky, looking up at them with sadness and admiration. Stars were beautiful, so people’s souls must be, too.

Even though the story’s charm and realism were lost when he grew up, Jongwoon wondered sometimes, at late nights with the clock ticking at his nightstand, that if he or Hyukjae died someday, would they become stars, too?

For the past few days, he and Hyukjae had been doing well. Hyukjae wasn’t really the type to wear his heart on his sleeve and he could manage his emotions well. Whenever Jongwoon was angry, Hyukjae would wait patiently until the older cooled off, and then they’d talk about it later on. When Hyukjae was angry, Jongwoon would handle all his outbursts, and after a short period of time, not even lasting two weeks, they’d be okay again. Either Jongwoon was the one who’d make the first move or Hyukjae initiated it first. Both of them knew when to lower their pride whenever it was needed.

Jongwoon sighed quietly, turning to his side to face his lover as the latter slept. Hyukjae looked ethereal as he slept, almost like a porcelain doll that Jongwoon wanted to keep with him forever.

But eternity didn’t exist, and death was hanging over their heads like a gray cloud. Jongwoon could only watch without making a sound, afraid of interrupting Hyukjae’s peaceful slumber. Although it hurt him, Jongwoon took that opportunity to memorize the features of his lover’s face, committing it to his memory. He would never forget that face even until he died.

“I love you,” Jongwoon whispered, shedding a single tear as he restrained his sobs, not wanting Hyukjae to stir in his sleep.

Beside their bed, on the nightstand, their clock was still ticking.

  
  
  


**XV.**

**O** ne day, Hyukjae came home with a huge smile on his face.

“Jongwoon-hyung!” he called out.

Hearing the call from his position in the living room, Jongwoon stood up and looked at the younger curiously.

Hyukjae strode over to him excitedly, showing two coupons in his hand. “My boss gave me these vouchers for a free overnight stay at that famous resort by the beach!”

“Really?!” Jongwoon said with a grin. Hyukjae’s enthusiasm was contagious. “OK then, when do you want to go?”

Hyukjae cast him a suspicious look. “Are you going because _I_ want to go or are you going because you really _do_ want to go?” he interrogated.

Jongwoon was so startled by the unexpected question that he broke into a laugh. “ _Both_ , OK?” he replied, ruffling the younger’s hair affectionately. “Happy now?”

Hyukjae swatted his hand away with a grin. “OK, I’ll accept that kind of response. Now go get ready!” he commanded.

Jongwoon blinked. “Wait, _now_?”

“Of course I mean _now_ ,” Hyukjae said, looking at his lover as if the latter were an idiot for not understanding. “We can’t waste time here so chop, chop!!”

Jongwoon raised his hands in surrender. “Whoa, whoa, hold on a second!” he exclaimed with a nervous laugh. “You want us to go _now_ , at five in the _afternoon_? By the time we get there, it’ll be evening already!”

“But this is our only chance to go!” Hyukjae whined. “I can’t go on weekends since my boss asked me to work overtime and my only day-off is tomorrow!”

Jongwoon pondered over it for a moment. He _did_ have a day-off tomorrow as well, but he was free on the weekends. However, if Hyukjae wasn’t available, then this really _was_ the only opportunity they could get.

Finally, Jongwoon nodded. “Alright, I’ll go pack my bags,” he decided.

Hyukjae threw himself at him, hugging Jongwoon excitedly. “Thank you, hyung! Thank you!”

Jongwoon chuckled. “I get it, I get it. You’re excited already. Let’s pack our clothes first and talk about our plans on the way.”

Hyukjae nodded enthusiastically. “Call!”

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

When they arrived at the resort, they had a great time together. Even though it was evening by the time they arrived, Hyukjae dragged Jongwoon towards the amusement park nearby, going on thrilling rides and screaming at the top of his lungs. Jongwoon was already regretting all his life decisions the moment he agreed to Hyukjae’s whims, but went along with his boyfriend anyway, his high notes almost beating a professional opera singer.

When they were finished having fun at the amusement park, they went for a walk by the beach. Hyukjae laughed at something that Jongwoon said, and the latter took that opportunity to pull out his phone. He first let the back camera face them and then took a picture of them together with a blinding flash.

“What the — _hey_!” Hyukjae said, squinting his eyes. “Hyung, that was too bright—!”

When the dazzle faded, Hukjae blinked when Jongwoon suddenly knelt in front of him, his head raised to look at him in the eyes. Hyukjae could hear the gentle lapping of the waves beside them, could feel the chilly night breeze swaying their clothes, could clearly see the love and affection in Jongwoon’s eyes that made his throat constrict and his heart palpitate like crazy. When Jongwoon smiled at him, Hyukjae’s lips parted in surprise and awe at the stunning sight.

Jongwoon slowly took Hyukjae’s hand in his, caressing it gently. Hyukjae gulped, a warm sensation filling his chest.

“We’ve been together for eight years already,” Jongwoon began, never breaking eye-contact with his lover. “We’ve been through ups and downs in life, we’ve loved each other ever since we were still students and we continued to fall in love even more until now. You’ve been my only anchor all these years and you always listened to me even though you often pretended that you didn’t.” Jongwoon chuckled at that.

“I’ve been your safe place ever since and I’ve always been there for you whenever things got rough,” Jongwoon continued on softly. “I can still remember back in college when you came to my house in the middle of the night, crying because your parents were getting divorced. My parents let you stay over and cooked you a warm dinner while I stayed by your side until you fell asleep in my arms. That was the very first time I saw you cry and I never wanted to see it again.

“Do you know why I began to fall in love with you when we were two weeks in our relationship at that time? At first, I was scared of you because you were so forward, so confident, and so affectionate. Back then, I was just an average guy who dated only one girl in the past and got cheated on. I had _no_ idea what I was supposed to do or feel while dating a guy. It was a completely new territory for me and I was hesitant about it all, but you slowly chased away those fears and made me accept you. You never really pushed me into doing things I didn’t want to do; you always asked what I felt, always waited for my consent. I was grateful for it all, and most of all I was just grateful that it was _you_ who was my first.

“After that, I was crazy about you,” Jongwoon continued on with a chuckle. “You changed my life and I’ve never regretted even _one_ second being with you and that’s never going to change. I love you, Lee Hyukjae, so…”

Jongwoon took out a familiar small box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a silver ring with a studded diamond at the center.

“Will you marry me?”

There was a brief moment of silence before Hyukjae nodded, too choked up to say anything. Jongwoon stood up and slipped the ring into his lover’s finger, feeling the happiness burst in his chest. Hyukjae threw himself at him at that moment and Jongwoon caught him in his arms, laughing softly as Hyukjae sobbed into his shoulder.

“Wh—When I said I w—wanted to get married by the sea,” Hyukjae stammered, “I never imagined you’d p—propose to me here, too…”

“I told you that we’ll be together until we get sick of each other,” Jongwoon said soothingly, rubbing circles on the younger’s back comfortingly.

“When did you buy that ring a—anyway?” Hyukjae choked out. “We just went here last minute, so how—”

Jongwoon chuckled. “Silly.” He pulled back and stared his lover in the eyes with a gentle smile. “A few months ago, actually,” he revealed, giddy at the surprised look on Hyukjae’s face. “I’ve been trying to find the perfect opportunity… and I’ve always wanted to marry you, so…”

Jongwoon’s voice trailed off as Hyukjae wrapped him in an emotional embrace, the younger shedding tears on his shoulder. Jongwoon was glad; he was _so_ glad to see Hyukjae so happy.

 _Don’t make any empty promises I can’t keep, huh?_ Jongwoon thought to himself as he enjoyed his moment with his now-fiancé. _Well, I’m keeping this one. Forever._

_No matter what happens, my love will always be with him._

  
  
  


**XVI.**

**T** hey went back to their room after that. None of them felt sleepy due to the earlier excitement, so both of them resorted to a long late-night talk, telling each other funny stories about their classmates back in college. Jongwoon recounted the time when Hyukjae threw his banana peel at the direction of the trash can but failed. However, just when Hyukjae scrambled to pick it up, Heechul chose that moment to walk by, and with a startled shriek, the older man slipped on the banana peel and fell on his face, causing the surroundings to go silent for a very brief moment before all them began cackling in laughter.

Hyukjae could also remember how Heechul, a stranger at that time, gave him a death glare _so_ bad that Hyukjae had almost felt real daggers piercing his body.

“It’s so funny that he became one of my co-workers in the company,” Hyukjae said, chortling at the memory. “When he recognized me, he got so mad at first, but after a few drinks we became good buddies.”

They talked like that for hours, enjoying this moment that they were spending together. When Jongwoon glanced at the clock on his phone, he saw that it was nearing five in the morning already.

“Do you wanna go watch the sunrise?” Jongwoon asked his lover who was starting to look a bit sleepy.

Hyukjae nodded, however. “Sure! We can sleep afterwards,” he responded, getting out of the bed and stretching his arms.

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

They got out of the resort and made themselves comfortable on one of the benches by the seaside that overlooked the horizon. The two of them talked a bit for a while before Hyukjae suddenly rubbed his eyes.

“Hyung, I’m sleepy,” Hyukjae said, yawning as he placed his head on Jongwoon’s lap. Jongwoon allowed him, gently threading his fingers through his lover’s hair. Hyukjae always had such soft strands, and Jongwoon always liked to touch them.

“Take a nap, then,” Jongwoon said softly, looking up at the sunrise peeking out from the horizon. The sky was slowly brightening, the waters from the sea calming and sparkling under the sunlight. “I’ll be here to wake you up when it gets too hot to be here outside.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Hyukjae said gratefully, snuggling closer to his lover and wrapping his arms around his waist.

They stayed like that for a few moments, Jongwoon enjoying the chilly sea breeze and Hyukjae smiling softly as he relished the warmth Jongwoon gave him.

“Hyung, I’ve never told you this, right?” Hyukjae began quietly, the smile on his face growing. “I always made fun of you and teased you a lot whenever you told this to me and I never said it back. I’m actually… well, just embarrassed… it’s the first time I ever felt this way with someone, after all.”

Jongwoon looked down at him, and he found Hyukjae staring back, the younger’s eyes conveying a deep kind of emotion that made butterflies stir in his stomach.

“Oh… well, it’s no problem…” Jongwoon responded slowly, understanding what the younger was talking about. “You can say it whenever you like. I don’t mind. I already feel how much you care for me.” Jongwoon smiled, and Hyukjae smiled back.

 _Hyukjae’s always beautiful whenever he smiles_ , Jongwoon thought to himself fondly.

“Why are you suddenly being sentimental like this, though?” Jongwoon asked with a low chuckle. “Usually you’d just tease me a lot and tell me that I’m sensitive enough for the both of us. What brought on this sort of change?”

“Hmm? I don’t know…” Hyukjae yawned again, his eyelids starting to droop. “I just feel like saying these things to you… as your new fiancé, hehe.”

Jongwoon’s heart leaped in his chest. He was so happy, tears were welling up in his eyes. But he wasn’t going to let them fall. He didn’t want to show Hyukjae that he was crying right now, not when the younger was suddenly acting like this.

“I know about it, you know,” Hyukjae said quietly, absently playing with the material of Jongwoon’s shirt.

“Know what?” Jongwoon asked, continuing to play with his lover’s hair.

“What you’ve always been trying to hide from me.”

Jongwoon’s heart stopped. He lowered his gaze towards his Hyukjae, but the latter wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“You… you _know_ …?” Jongwoon choked out.

Hyukjae smiled. “Yeah… I do.” He moved his head slightly, but didn’t raise it enough to look up at Jongwoon’s face. “I understand why you never told me, though... It must’ve been really painful for you… I could see it in your eyes sometimes.” Jongwoon couldn’t see it from the angle he was looking, but Hyukjae was smiling sadly. “So I kept my awareness a secret from you, too. I’m sorry…”

Jongwoon didn’t know what to say. He felt the guilt pooling in his stomach, almost choking him. He sniffed, letting a stray tear fall from his eye. His nose was already burning and felt clogged. He wanted to cry so much but he needed to be strong. He couldn’t break down in front of Hyukjae.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae said softly, “are you crying?”

Jongwoon shut his eyes, trying hard not to let his emotions take over. “No,” he replied with a somewhat steady voice. “No, Hyukjae-ya. I—I’m fine.”

Hyukjae grinned, lifting his hand to rub the tiredness in his eyes as he yawned. “I’ll always be here for you, I’ll never really leave you, so… we’ll stay happy together, OK?”

Jongwoon nodded slowly, wiping the tears that threatened to fall from his chin. “Okay… I understand. Th—Thank you, Hyukjae-ya,” he managed to choke out. “I’m… I’m so lucky… to have someone like you in my life.”

“And I’m lucky to have you, too,” Hyukjae responded, a bright grin spreading on his face. “I love you, Jongwoon-ah…”

A tear escaped Jongwoon’s left eye and he nodded fervently, overcome with emotion. “Yeah… I love you too, Hyukjae-ya…” he whispered, just loud enough for the younger to hear.

“Mmhmm… let’s get married by the sea someday, okay…” Hyukjae murmured, snuggling close to his lover.

Jongwoon laughed, squeezing Hyukjae’s shoulder in response. “Of course. Anything for you…”

Later on, when the sun rose brilliantly in the sky, Jongwoon opened his eyes, feeling his lover still unconscious in his arms. He gently nudged Hyukjae, telling him to wake up since it was already getting too sunny for them to be staying here.

“Hyukjae-ya? Wake up… come on, sweetheart…”

Jongwoon’s heart was still as he placed a finger near Hyukjae’s nose. He was still frozen even as he realized that Hyukjae’s stomach wasn’t even moving the slightest bit to breathe.

Jongwoon bit his lip and let the tears fall from his eyes, his agony pulsating in his chest, sending a burning sensation in his throat. His eyes stung so much and he could barely manage a hiccup. He didn’t want to look, but he knew that it was only inevitable.

“I—I knew you were going to leave me one day…” Jongwoon cried out in pain. “But did you really have to be cruel enough to do it _today…_?” he whimpered. “I—Is that why you finally told me you loved me?”

His arms trembling, Jongwoon scooped his lover in his arms and placed him in a sitting position on his lap. Hyukjae’s head lifelessly dropped to his shoulder and he choked back a painful sob. The heavy feeling of loss was weighing on Jongwoon's chest as he desperately embraced the younger, his skin far too warm against Hyukjae’s.

“You always knew… god… _oh_ , god…” Jongwoon sobbed, rubbing a hand against the back of Hyukjae’s head, feeling the soft strands he always loved to touch. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

  
  
  


**XVII.**

**_“T_** _he treatments aren’t working… I’m so sorry. I can’t guarantee… that Hyukjae’s lifespan has extended because of the medication, but it has certainly made a bit of a difference. He mentioned that he’s been sleeping better ever since he took them and that he no longer reacts to every small sound he hears while he sleeps. That’s the only benefit we can give him during this time, to lessen the probability of…” Siwon almost bit his tongue before he could say the word ‘death’. Jongwoon was already looking paler and paler by the minute the longer his explanation became._

_Siwon sighed, then decided to be more straightforward for the sake of his friend. “When he falls asleep and he won’t wake up, that’s when…” He bit his lip, unable to look at the painfully devastated expression on his friend’s face. “People with this condition are light sleepers… if you can’t wake them with a nudge, and if they stop breathing while unconscious… I’m sorry, but if it comes to that, there’s nothing you can do—”_

_“I really can’t do anything at all?” Jongwoon spoke up quietly, desperately. “Then what_ can _I do?”_

_“You can just continue living with him,” Siwon said softly. “Tell him the truth, and—”_

_Jongwoon shook his head vehemently. “No, no, I_ can’t _,” he refused. “That would crush him. He has so many dreams he wants to achieve, I can’t just… t—tell him that he has an incurable heart disease that can take him away anytime he sleeps. He won’t be able to — to…” Jongwoon exhaled harshly when he couldn’t find it in himself to finish his sentence. He could already feel his lips trembling and his eyes stinging slightly, warning him of incoming tears._

_Siwon gave him a sympathetic look as he steeled himself to stay professional. “It’s not going to happen now or later since it’s still in the early stages, but I estimate… about two months judging from the progression,” he told the older, hoping that it would at least prepare him for what was about to come. “This disease is painless, so one might feel that they’re not sick, but it can also take you away anytime.”_

_Jongwoon couldn’t say anything by that point. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, endless tears streaming down his face. It was unfair, so very unfair. How could a disease be miraculously painless yet so unpredictable at the same time? It was like a nightmare._

_And Jongwoon hated nightmares._

_Siwon watched his friend break down on the outside, his own eyes getting misty as he remembered Hyukjae’s trademark gummy smile and the memories of the younger always telling him to take care of Jongwoon._

_So young, so kind, and so unlucky at the same time._

_“I’m very sorry, Jongwoon-hyung…” Siwon muttered, having no other words left to bring comfort to his friend. “If you won’t tell him the truth, then at least spend all of your time with him. Like they say, life is too short for regrets, right?”_

_Siwon managed a sad smile._

_“It’s not yet too late, so... so remember… to make yourselves happy every day from now on.”_


	2. Epilogue

｢ **Epilogue** ｣

**T** he view of the flower garden outside the window was breathtaking under the shining sun, highlighting the vibrant colors of the flowers that stood out among the green bushes that surrounded them. There were different varieties all around: lilies, orchids, roses, violets, and even chrysanthemums.

However, out of all of them, Jongwoon noticed the sunflowers the most.

Back when they were dating during college, Jongwoon once took Hyukjae to a sunflower field by the countryside on a weekend. He remembered how happy his lover was at that time since Hyukjae had always wanted to come to a place like that. Jongwoon could also remember how Hyukjae’s adorable gummy smile fit so much among the bright yellow petals; coupled with the bright sun, he looked like he belonged to the field of sunflowers, too.

“Hyung…”

At the sound of someone calling him, Jongwoon turned his head slowly and gave a small smile.

“Oh, Kyuhyun-ah…”

Kyuhyun was standing behind him, hands on his hips as he stared at Jongwoon with wary eyes. “Hyung,” he repeated. “I made lunch. Eat with me.”

Jongwoon’s smile seemed almost sad as he shook his head, turning back to the window that overlooked the garden. “No thanks, Kyu… I’m not hungry.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Kyuhyun whined. “You _have_ to eat. Look at you!” He gestured exaggeratedly at Jongwoon’s thin frame. “Your bones are protruding out of your skin! Haven’t you _seen_ yourself in the mirror lately??”

“I’m fine, Kyuhyun-ah,” Jongwoon responded quietly.

Kyuhyun huffed. “See, this is why it’s frustrating to talk to you. You always blow me off like this whenever I get concerned about your health. Do you think Hyukjae-hyung would be happy seeing you like this?”

The moment Hyukjae’s name came out of Kyuhyun’s lips, both of them froze, the atmosphere between them turning tense. Kyuhyun’s features softened as he watched Jongwoon’s expression crumple, feeling guilty that he brought up something sensitive.

It had been three weeks since that incident. Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Jungsoo, and Hyukjae’s co-workers Heechul, Kangin, and Shindong, and even Donghae who came as soon as he could from America, all attended the funeral, paying their respects to Jongwoon and Hyukjae’s mom and sister. Hyukjae’s dad had passed away seven years ago due to an illness that was eerily similar to his, and their suspicions were confirmed when Hyukjae’s mom, Mrs. Lee, told the story to them herself.

_“I didn’t know about it at that time,” she recounted slowly. “He just suddenly became angry at me all the time, constantly telling me that he wanted a divorce. The four of us had been living happily before. There wasn’t any major reason for us to fight; our finances were fine, my two children were studying diligently, the two of us parents were working hard but we always knew how to relieve our stress. It was why I couldn’t understand his sudden hostility towards me at that time._

_“It turned out that he had a heart disease of some kind. His cousin was the one who told me about it. She told me that my husband purposefully left me and the kids so that we wouldn’t be sad if we found out that he was dying. So he… pretended to be the bad guy and made us all mad at him._

_“We didn’t know about it at all. We only found out the truth when he passed away.” Mrs. Lee’s eyes were teary as she tried to contain the emotion in her voice. “I felt sad and betrayed. Sora could only cry in her room for consecutive nights, clutching a photo of her dad. Hyukjae was devastated, but he held back most of his tears just to comfort me._

_“He had always been a fool, anyway. Just like Hyukjae, he hated seeing anyone cry. It hurt him that he only had little time left, about less than two weeks since he only found out about it too late, and he didn’t want to break the news to us, to his family. I understood how he felt, then. Since_ I’m _a parent, too._

_“But… I still wish he could’ve told us. Even if he had little time left, we wanted to spend it all with him no matter what, because memories are precious.”_

Kyuhyun’s thoughts went back to the present when Jongwoon sighed softly in response.

“I know,” the older said quietly, pressing his fingers to his temple. “I know I’m being ridiculous right now, but… I’m sorry, Kyu. I just don’t feel like eating today.”

“Then talk to me,” Kyuhyun said determinedly, sitting next to Jongwoon on the windowsill and looking the older man straight in the eyes. “Or talk to Ryeonggu or even Jungsoo-hyung. _Anyone_ at all. Ever since Hyukjae-hyung’s death, you refused to talk about him every time. You even leave the room whenever one of us brings up his name. I’m sorry, hyung, but I _have_ to say this. It’s been three weeks and you know I’m not a patient person,” Kyuhyun said, exhaling deeply before continuing on, “Tell me, _why_ are you treating Hyukjae-hyung like some sort of ghost?”

Jongwoon was turning more and more rigid by the minute. Kyuhyun could see the older’s hands unconsciously clenching into fists, but he stubbornly plowed on.

“If you want to treat him like he never existed, then you have no right to call yourself his fi—”

The loud smack on the lowermost section of the open window startled Kyuhyun, his heart racing in surprise. That part of the window was made of wood and was starting to creak, so when Jongwoon slammed on it with the bottom of his fist, it made a disconcerting rattling sound that shook Kyuhyun’s nerves to the core.

“Shut up,” Jongwoon seethed, his eyebrows knitted together as he seemed to be putting himself under control. “Kyuhyun, you’re out of line.”

At that moment, Kyuhyun recalled the past Jongwoon, the scary, intimidating neighborhood hyung who frightened the other kids due to his cold yet fiery aura. Kyuhyun remembered that rebellious teenager with long, messy black hair and silver cross earrings, saving him from the bullies by beating them up and yelling at them with a scorching temper that could rival even the fires of hell.

That man from the past had changed as he grew older, grew mature, especially after witnessing his mother’s constant stress and exhaustion as well as his father’s near-death experience which was like a terrible wake-up call at that time.

Kim Jongwoon may not be that kind of volatile person anymore, but that did not mean he completely lost his infamous bad temper. Now that Hyukjae wasn’t here to even out his moods, Kyuhyun was left with the task of taking care of him instead.

Not that Kyuhyun was really complaining, because Jongwoon, no matter what, would always be like an older brother to him.

“Alright, I’ll stop here, then,” Kyuhyun said quietly, turning his back on the older and sighing. “Think about it more, hyung. When you’re ready… come to me. Come to us.” There was a hint of emotion in Kyuhyun’s voice. “Because haven’t we always been here for you two since the start?”

Jongwoon watched Kyuhyun walk away, the guilt seeping itself into his heart. He looked out the window again, feeling frustrated with himself. But even the sight of the beautiful sunflowers couldn’t ease the agony quivering in his chest.

Jongwoon stood up, quietly took his coat from the rack, and went outside the door, not even telling Kyuhyun where he was going. He just needed some fresh air at the moment, needed to be outside and not in this kind of constricting, stifling atmosphere.

After Jongwoon closed the door behind him, Kyuhyun turned around from his sitting position in the dining room table, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry, Hyukjae-hyung…”

●◉◎◈◎◉●

Jongwoon didn’t know how much time had passed as he sat on a bench in a nearby park. The weather was already starting to turn chilly, and more and more people were leaving the place to return to their respective homes.

Jongwoon watched with empty eyes as dusk fell rapidly in the sky, the surroundings growing darker by the second. Unlike the others, he wasn’t in any hurry to go home. Besides, Kyuhyun wouldn’t be waiting for him anyway, after all the terrible things he’d done to the younger.

Because of his own selfishness, he had refused to go back to his apartment, the apartment he and Hyukjae once shared, only because it hurt too much to be back in a place where it held so many memories of the two of them. _Heck_ , he thought that he wouldn’t even be able to go inside their bedroom without crying pitifully and remembering all the times they shared there.

It was already three weeks indeed, just like Kyuhyun said, but it still hurt just as much as the day they put Hyukjae to rest. He felt like the longer he went on without Hyukjae, the more he missed him so badly as the days went by.

Jongwoon smiled wryly as he thought about how weak he was. He had prepared himself for this, hadn’t he?

So why… did it still feel _so_ painful?

Jongwoon exhaled a harsh breath, dazed as he watched snow beginning to fall from the sky. A few people who were nearby gasped in awe, murmuring to themselves with smiles on their faces. Normally, Jongwoon would smile as well; he may not love snow just as much as he loved autumn, but seeing the white flakes dancing along with the wind was always a joy to see.

However, Jongwoon’s gaze remained unseeing, his heart still suffering from a loss that caused him to feel empty inside. He couldn’t feel any excitement in his veins nor a twinge of warmth. He felt hollow like an empty husk who had nothing to give.

He watched as a girl excitedly ran over to who seemed to be her boyfriend, laughing happily as she caught some snowflakes on her open palm.

 _How lucky she is to have someone to share this with,_ Jongwoon thought to himself absently as he stood up from his seat and began to head back to Kyuhyun’s house.

_I don’t… feel like I belong here anymore._

As he walked, he suddenly stumbled in his steps, feeling an incoming headache. He was used to this kind pain as it came to him frequently, but this time his mentality was too weak to fight against it and he tripped on his own feet due to dizziness. He stumbled to the ground, clutching his head as he breathed in shallow gasps of air.

_“Does it hurt a lot?” Hyukjae asked, concern lacing his voice as he stared at Jongwoon’s pained expression. “Do you need anything? I’ll take care of you, hyung.”_

_“No, don’t worry about me, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon said dismissively, pressing his fingers harder against his temple. “I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”_

_Hyukjae watched as Jongwoon sat down, laying his head back against the couch with his eyes shut. “But you’re not fine…” he said in a small voice._

_Jongwoon managed a small smile. “Really, I’ll be fine…” Suddenly, he winced as he felt the pain reaching his neck._

_Hyukjae noticed this and stood up from his seat. Jongwoon watched him go, then widened his eyes when Hyukjae came back with a heating pad in his hands. The latter first stopped by the wall and reached for the switch, dimming the lights. After that, he plopped down next to Jongwoon and placed the heating pad on his neck._

_“Feel better now?” Hyukjae asked worriedly._

_Jongwoon was quiet as he felt the pain beginning to ease due to the dimmed lights and the heating sensation in the area that hurt. He looked at Hyukjae gratefully and the latter smiled. They didn’t need any more words to express their feelings._

The pain was normally mild or moderate most of the time, but there were a few intense episodes similar to this one, so Jongwoon had no choice but to endure it, at least until he got back to his room safely.

Somehow, Jongwoon managed to go back to Kyuhyun’s house, carefully unlocking the front door with the key the younger gave him to keep. Sighing, he opened it and let himself in, closing it quietly behind him.

When he made his way towards the guest room, he thought he heard something coming from the room to his right. Jongwoon stared at the door leading to Kyuhyun’s own room, noticing that it was slightly ajar. Knowing that Kyuhyun was most likely playing games on his computer at this time of the night, he strode over to the door, planning to close it in order to minimize the sounds of whatever game he was currently playing.

However, when Jongwoon neared the doorway, he realized that the strange sound he heard wasn’t coming from a computer or a TV at all.

“No, I’m fine.” Kyuhyun’s low voice resounded in the room as he seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. His back faced the doorway as he sat on his bed. “Yeah… he left today but he isn’t back yet. It’s still… it’s still early, so he’ll return here soon, I’m sure.”

When Jongwoon realized that he was practically eavesdropping in Kyuhyun’s private conversation, he moved away from the door, about to go back to his room when suddenly Kyuhyun spoke again.

“Me…? No, I really _am_ fine… Jongwoon-hyung is the one who’s suffering more, not me…”

Jongwoon paused in his tracks.

“I know… _look_ , of _course_ I am.” Kyuhyun’s voice was beginning to rise by a notch. “Hyukjae was my friend, too — okay, I know I seemed cold at the funeral but just because I didn’t shed any tears doesn’t mean that I _don’t_ care about him, okay?! _Shut up!_ ”

Jongwoon’s heart jumped in his chest in shock as he heard the pure, unadulterated anger in Kyuhyun’s voice. The man wasn’t usually very emotional; in fact, in their little group, he was the calmest of them all. Whenever there was a crisis, Kyuhyun was always the one who handled everything with composure.

 _What on earth is going on?_ Jongwoon thought to himself in alarm. _Who’s he talking to?_

After a long moment, Kyuhyun’s voice resounded in the room. “...I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood right now… yeah, okay… I know you didn’t mean to, we’ve all been feeling sensitive… Okay, fine, I’m hanging up now.”

Jongwoon stayed in place, not finding it in himself to move from his position. He suddenly felt the urge to talk to Kyuhyun, to console him and encourage him to speak about his feelings.

But just before he could take a step into the room, he heard something that was awfully familiar to a sniffle.

Shock filling his body, Jongwoon peeked at the small opening of the doorway and saw Kyuhyun still sitting on his bed, bent over with his elbows resting on his knees, seemingly covering his face with his hands. Jongwoon heard a muffled cry coming from the younger, as if the latter was trying his best not to break down. Soon after, he could see Kyuhyun’s body racking with sobs, his muffled cries twisting Jongwoon’s heart. His own eyes turning moist, Jongwoon slowly moved away from the door and plastered himself to the wall next to it, closing his eyes and letting a few tears fall down to his cheeks.

Later that night, Kyuhyun found him in the guest room, sleeping without the covers. Kyuhyun didn’t know when he’d returned, but it didn’t really matter. Jongwoon was an adult, after all, not some kid he needed to look after constantly.

Moving closer to his hyung, Kyuhyun noticed Jongwoon’s tear-stained face and his gut twisted painfully at the sight. It wasn’t just _any_ person they lost; it was someone whom _all_ of them were terribly close to, hence the miserable feeling of loss pooling in their hearts. Kyuhyun understood Jongwoon’s pain, but not the amount of depth that came with it since he could only imagine the agony the older was going through. The first time he heard the news, his body went into shock, but he managed to pull himself together for his friends, especially for Jongwoon.

When he also found out that Hyukjae had been by Jongwoon’s side when he died, the feeling of compassion he had for the older person was amplified. It must’ve been _agonizing_ to witness that kind of scene with your own eyes, much less experience it yourself, so Kyuhyun understood why Jongwoon was taking a lot of time to make progress with moving on. It wasn’t like Hyukjae was someone who was easy to forget, either. That guy was already impressionable at first sight, and being with him for years would make _anybody_ extremely attached to him.

Kyuhyun sighed softly, then pulled up the covers to cover Jongwoon’s entire body except for his face. It was cold at night, so no matter what, he wanted Jongwoon to sleep comfortably at least this once.

It was the least he could do.

●◉◎◈◎◉●

The next day, Kyuhyun woke up to the smell of food coming from his kitchen. Still disoriented from sleep, he strode over curiously while rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Oh, Kyu,” Jongwoon’s voice called out softly. “You’re awake?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes flew open in surprise at the sight before him, his tiredness forgotten in an instant. “What — _Jongwoon-hyung?_ ” he exclaimed, dumbfounded. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing? I’m making breakfast of course, you dummy,” Jongwoon scolded lightly as he stirred the pot of stew he was cooking. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Wha—What?” Kyuhyun said, still astounded. Ever since Jongwoon asked him to let him stay here at his house, the older man never did anything during those days, only moping around the house, operating on auto-pilot.

But now he was cooking for him so suddenly…

“What happened during your walk yesterday?” Kyuhyun asked in amazement as he plopped down on one of the dining chairs. “Did someone cast a spell on you or something?”

“Yah,” Jongwoon said, sounding offended as he turned off the stove and carried the steaming-hot pot over to the table with glove-covered hands. “I just wanted to cook something for you. Can you _not_ make it sound like someone possessed me to do this or something?”

Kyuhyun stared at him. “I don’t think you’re in your right mind today, hyung,” he said bluntly, peering at the food that was placed before him. “So strange… did you put poison in here or something…?”

Kyuhyun was about to sniff the stew when something suddenly hit him hard at the back of his head.

“ _OW!_ ” Kyuhyun cried out, rubbing the sore spot where he was hit. “What was that for?” he whined.

“ _That_ was for being a pest,” Jongwoon answered, placing his hands on his hips and glaring at the younger. “Seriously, you never change, evil maknae.”

“Can you blame me for suspecting you?” Kyuhyun grumbled. “ _I’ve_ been the one doing all the cooking for you ever since you stayed here. I never even heard a ‘thank you’ from you…”

A familiar burst of laughter echoed in the room and Kyuhyun could feel an arm wrapping casually over his shoulder. “Alright, you brat,” Jongwoon said, poking Kyuhyun above the lips. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Jongwoon waited for the explosion to come. Kyuhyun hated it whenever people touched his face, no matter who they were.

But it never came, surprisingly. Jongwoon stared at Kyuhyun’s calm face for a moment before trying his luck once more, this time letting his index finger stay on Kyuhyun’s philtrum.

Still nothing.

“Whoa! Is this a miracle?!” Jongwoon exclaimed, his face lighting up as an astonished smile curved his lips. “How come you’re not getting angry at me for touching you?”

“Why should I get angry because of that? You’re so weird, hyung,” Kyuhyun said dismissively as he reached for his plate and spoon.

“But you always snapped at us whenever we even tried to touch your face before,” Jongwoon said with wide eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun responded, already scooping rice onto his plate.

Jongwoon watched as Kyuhyun contentedly ate his meal, not even saying a word about how it tasted. This side of the maknae was quite rare to see; usually Kyuhyun would be making some snarky remarks whenever food was involved, but for some reason, the younger was quiet today.

Jongwoon was about to shrug it off and eat his own plate as well when Kyuhyun suddenly spoke up in a low voice.

“Hyung… I’m sorry.”

Jongwoon almost dropped the spoon he was holding in surprise. Thankfully, he caught himself before it could come to that. “What…?” he said, dumbfounded at the unexpected statement.

“Even if you talk a lot, even if you tease me many times and touch my face, I won’t get mad,” Kyuhyun continued on, his gaze focused on his half-empty plate. “You can confide in me or even get mad at me. I still won’t drive you away or leave you alone.”

Jongwoon listened to it all, his lips parting open in surprise.

“So…” Kyuhyun swallowed the lump in his throat as he closed his eyes. “...please… don’t you leave us, too… okay?”

Jongwoon’s heart crumpled into pieces at Kyuhyun’s small plea and felt the shame coursing through his body. He really had been worrying them all, huh? He had even made the unbothered Kyuhyun overly concerned about him. _He_ was supposed to be the hyung here, the one who looked after the younger ones no matter what.

Kyuhyun had already lost one hyung; he didn’t deserve to lose another one, too.

Feeling touched at the younger’s care for him, Jongwoon cracked a small smile as he stood up and embraced Kyuhyun in his arms, feeling the latter collapse at his touch. Jongwoon soothed him by muttering soft words as he caressed Kyuhyun’s hair.

“I’m sorry too, Kyuhyun-ah…” Jongwoon murmured. “I’m sorry… I’ll start to change, please don’t worry about me.”

Kyuhyun’s voice was muffled against Jongwoon’s shirt as he spoke. “What do you mean, hyung…?”

Jongwoon took a deep breath before answering.

“I’ll go back to the apartment tomorrow.”

●◉◎◈◎◉●

It was a foreign feeling to him as he pressed the passcode with slightly trembling hands, opening the door hesitantly.

Jongwoon sighed, putting his coat on the rack near the door as he stepped inside the apartment. Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Jungsoo were right behind him, the latter carrying a few knapsacks in his arms. Ryeowook was holding bags of food in his hands while Kyuhyun was walking beside Jongwoon, his hands in his pockets as he surveyed the apartment with a somewhat proud expression on his face.

“The air in here feels the same, right?” Kyuhyun spoke up.

Jongwoon nodded slowly, his eyes darting around the room in surprise. In truth, he’d expected the atmosphere in the place to be quite heavy since he hadn’t stepped a foot inside here for weeks. Come to think of it, he also had some food left in the fridge that had been about to expire.

Hurriedly, he reached the fridge in the kitchen and opened it to inspect the contents. However, he was shocked to see that it was clean except for a few drinks and some kimchi in the freezer.

“I came here every few days just to clean your apartment,” Kyuhyun said, answering the silent questions in Jongwoon’s mind. “Oh, and I also ate the food you guys left in the fridge just a day before it was about to expire. Good thing I came by that day!”

Ryeowook placed the bags of food on the kitchen counter and turned to Jongwoon. “Hyung, you agreed that I can stay here for a week, right? Since my house is under renovation right now.”

Jongwoon nodded absently, closing the door of the fridge. He was still quite surprised at the continuous efforts his friends made for him and it touched the deepest parts of his heart, causing his eyes to turn misty. He didn’t face them yet and wiped away the tears before they could notice.

“I’ll stay here for a while too, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo added. “My heater broke down and I need to get it fixed, so I can’t stay at my house at the moment unless I wanna freeze at night.”

“Okay,” Jongwoon said quietly. He turned to Kyuhyun, who looked at him with a weird expression on his face.

“What?” Kyuhyun said.

“What about you?” Jongwoon asked, unfazed by the younger’s overly casual tone with him.

“Me?” Kyuhyun said, confused. Then a big smile spread over his face as understanding crossed his features. “Ah, you want _me_ to stay over here too, hyung? Wow, I’m touched…”

“Whatever,” Jongwoon said, shaking his head as he took his knapsack that Jungsoo placed on the floor. “Feel free to stay here if you want.”

Kyuhyun smiled as he watched Jongwoon striding towards his bedroom, sending glances towards Jungsoo and Ryeowook who nodded at him in delight.

Things were starting to look up.

●◉◎◈◎◉●

A week passed by like a flash. Ever since his friends started staying at his apartment, Jongwoon couldn’t seem to take a single break. Kyuhyun kept on hogging the TV and attaching his Playstation console, Ryeowook kept on experimenting with different recipes in the kitchen, and Jungsoo kept on cleaning every inch of the apartment as if every speck of dust was like his mortal enemy. Jongwoon couldn’t even find it in himself to complain; having constant noise and movement in the house was effectively distracting him from his own descent into depression, so he was thankful for it instead.

One day, Ryeowook proposed the idea of adopting puppies. Jongwoon wasn’t averse to the idea, and he _did_ want to have some companions at the apartment whenever he felt lonely, so he agreed with the younger man and let himself be dragged to the pet shop. There, he fell in love with two adorable-looking Pomeranians and decided to adopt them.

“What are you going to name them, hyung?” Ryeowook asked, cooing at the puppies as they enthusiastically licked his outstretched hand.

Jongwoon thought for a moment. “I’ll name them… Kkoming and Melo.”

“Aw, such cute names!”

After that, Jongwoon had one hell of a time chasing the puppies around the living room, trying to train them properly while it was still early. Ryeowook was the one who filled their dog bowls while Jungsoo was only getting more and more diligent with cleaning up after the puppies’ messes. Kyuhyun, on the other hand, was still enjoying his games on the TV.

It had been a fun week, but the time soon came for his friends to leave. Kyuhyun went away first, saying that he needed to go back to work. Ryeowook and Jungsoo, on the other hand, were due to leave the day after tomorrow, so they stayed and kept Jongwoon company. Ryeowook soon got attached to Kkoming and Melo while Jungsoo looked jealous, muttering to himself that he wanted to adopt a puppy, too.

Jongwoon was lingering by his balcony, inhaling some fresh air when he suddenly received an incoming call. Wondering who it was, he read the caller ID and saw that it was Donghae who was trying to contact him.

Feeling bemused, Jongwoon answered the call and pressed the phone against his ear. “Hello?”

“Hello? Hyung?”

“Donghae-ya?” Jongwoon said in surprise. “What is it? Why are you suddenly calling me?”

“...” There was a brief silence at the other end of the line before Donghae spoke, his voice slightly hoarse. “I just wanted to know how you’re doing, hyung… I’m sorry I didn’t call you much earlier…”

“It’s fine, Donghae-ya,” Jongwoon assured, his heart clenching at the memory of Donghae crying hysterically at Hyukjae’s funeral. Apparently, after he had been given the news by Sungmin, he literally booked the next flight back to Korea in order to make it in time for the funeral.

Hyukjae had been Donghae’s close friend alongside Jongwoon. Even though Donghae became busy with his work abroad, he and Hyukjae always communicated with him constantly, be it on SNS or through phone calls. Hyukjae was the one who checked up on Donghae the most though since they were the same age.

Jongwoon couldn’t even imagine the shock Donghae must’ve gone through, suddenly being informed that one of his best friends passed away while he was in another country. In a way, the pain he and Donghae shared were a bit similar, though the pain they felt was relative since everyone experiences pain differently, after all.

“No, hyung… I’m really sorry, I had no excuse,” Donghae mumbled, his voice starting to quiver. “I only holed myself up in my office, working and trying to forget while I worked on an important project for the company… but I couldn’t just mope around forever. I realized that. And hyung is suffering more than I am.”

Jongwoon felt the sadness creeping up his throat. “We’re both in pain, Donghae-ya… It’s okay, I understand…”

“Ah…” A different voice suddenly called out to Donghae, causing the latter to shout something unintelligible in response. When he went back to the line, Donghae spoke in a low voice. “That was my co-worker… seems like my boss is calling for me, hyung. I’ll call you back later, okay?”

“Of course, Donghae-ya. Anytime,” Jongwoon assured.

“Thank you, hyung. Ah, also…” Donghae seemed to be hesitant at first but went for it, anyway. “If you ever feel down and need someone to talk to, I’m here, alright hyung? You can call me anytime you want and you can talk to me for hours. You know that I’ll always listen to you.”

Jongwoon blinked in surprise. “Oh… s—sure… thank you,” he stammered, astonished at the unexpected statement.

“Okay, then I gotta go. I’ll call you again later, hyung. Love you!”

“Yeah… Love you too, Donghae-ya.”

When the call ended, Jongwoon went back to the living room and saw that Jungsoo was browsing through his phone on the couch. Kkoming and Melo were, surprisingly, sleeping together on the carpet while Ryeowook was nowhere to be seen.

He sat beside Jungsoo and regarded the older man with curiosity. “Hyung, where’s Wookie?”

“Ah, Ryeowook went to sleep since it’s already late at night,” Jungsoo replied, turning off his phone to talk to Jongwoon properly. “Who were you on the phone with? I saw you at your balcony.”

“It was Donghae.”

Jungsoo nodded. “I see… how is he? I haven’t heard from him ever since the funeral…”

“He took it hard, almost as much as me,” Jongwoon replied in a soft voice. “Donghae’s already the type to get overly attached to people, and he was really close to Hyukjae as if they were brothers…”

Jungsoo nodded sympathetically. “It’s never easy to cope with the death of a loved one,” he said quietly. “It stays with you for a long time, and the feeling of loss will sometimes eat you alive.”

Jongwoon was silent as he listened to his hyung’s words. He and their friends, including Hyukjae, had all been there for Jungsoo when his mother passed away due to an illness. Jungsoo and his sister had already expected for it to happen since their mother had been fighting against her cancer for years beforehand, but that didn’t make the pain hurt any less. In fact, it hit just as hard as if they had expected her to recover easily from her illness. It had been a terrible and depressing time for Jungsoo and his family, so it was a good thing that Jungsoo managed to stay strong for both himself and his sister all these years.

“I’m worried about him though,” Jongwoon mused, referring to Donghae. “If he’s eating well, sleeping well, or if he has any friends there that he can count on while he’s grieving…”

Suddenly, Jungsoo let out a low, brief chuckle. When Jongwoon turned to him in confusion, Jungsoo apologized, “Sorry for laughing, that was inappropriate of me…” He coughed a bit to clear his throat, then turned back to Jongwoon with a warm smile. “It’s just that, what you said just now… those are the exact same thoughts we had about you after the funeral.

“When you were still staying with Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and I couldn’t go check up on you that often due to our jobs and personal lives, but we kept on calling Kyuhyun to get some updates about you. If you were eating and sleeping properly, if you were able to talk about it… but Kyuhyun only ever gave us unclear details and refused to elaborate on it more. I understood Kyuhyun since he gets like that sometimes whenever he’s in a sensitive mood or whenever he’s frustrated, but Ryeowook…”

Suddenly Jongwoon was reminded of that night back in Kyuhyun’s house, the way he silently listened to the younger’s continuous sobs as if he’d been restraining them inside of him for too long. He also remembered Kyuhyun fighting with someone beforehand, the one that triggered him to get angry and raise his voice. Could it be…?

Jungsoo sighed, a tired smile playing on his lips. “They cooled off now and are back to being good friends, but a while back, Ryeowook accidentally said something he shouldn’t, and that pissed Kyuhyun off… and they fought a bit, but they talked to each other about it the day after and it was soon forgotten.”

Jongwoon closed his eyes, another wave of sadness washing over his heart. If Hyukjae and Kyuhyun fought like cat and mouse back then — no, more like a one-sided bullying in Hyukjae’s case — then Ryeowook and Hyukjae were more like an indifferent kind of pair who looked out for each other more often than not. Ryeowook also seemed distressed over Hyukjae’s death, especially because, as he confided to Jongwoon two days after the funeral, he had a lot of regrets and he felt upset and disappointed at himself for not spending more time with Hyukjae. Jongwoon knew that Ryeowook wasn’t even the clingy, affectionate type, but inside that cold exterior was a warm heart that loved others just as much as they loved him.

“I’m sorry,” Jongwoon mumbled.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo responded tenderly. “It’s not your fault.”

Jongwoon bent over, propped his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands. “I’m still sorry…” he whispered. “Hyung… it hurts.”

Saying that last sentence was like a small reprieve from his clashing emotions, and Jongwoon felt like everything he’d been keeping in his heart was pouring out of his chest like a tide.

There was a beat of silence before Jongwoon felt Jungsoo scooting over to him and wrapping a warm arm around his shoulder. That only prompted Jongwoon to cry more now that he was silently being encouraged to do so.

“I still can’t forget him…” Jongwoon choked him. “I still dream of him sometimes and recall all the memories the two of us had spent together… it hurts so much to remember them because we were so happy back then… but at the same time, I feel this small trickle of gratification because I managed to make him smile like that during his last days…”

It was true. Every time he remembered the times they spent together, every time he recalled the obvious happiness radiating on Hyukjae’s face, the heavy feeling of loss pulled him down like an anchor but at the same time, there was something akin to joy that slowly spread from his heart to his entire soul, a feeling of knowing that he had fulfilled his wish and spent happy times with his lover before he passed on.

The emotions were conflicting on the inside, but for some reason, their memories didn’t seem that painful for him anymore compared to the first week of suffering after his lover’s death.

Perhaps the saying that “the emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it” could be true, after all.

It was silent between them for a while, Jungsoo continuously patting Jongwoon’s back comfortingly while Jongwoon kept on muffling his sobs so as to not wake Ryeowook in the guest room.

Jungsoo spoke up after a few minutes.

“Jongwoon-ah… you don’t have to try hard to forget him, you know,” he said gently, causing Jongwoon to look up at him with a tear-stained face. “Hyukjae may have been a part of your life in the past, and his passing may have placed this horrible feeling of loss in your heart… but remember, Jongwoon-ah, that he also made you the _happiest_ you’ve ever been in your entire life.”

At that moment, Jungsoo rummaged for something in his bag. He pulled two things out and gave them to a startled Jongwoon.

“Hyung…?” Jongwoon asked, confused. “What… what are these…?” He gestured towards the photo album and the CD in his hands.

“You know that I was your senior in college while I was getting my master’s degree, right?” Jungsoo said softly. “Hyukjae was the one who pulled me into your circle of friends alongside Donghae, Sungmin, Kyuhyun, and Ryeowook.”

Jongwoon nodded in agreement, still not knowing where Jungsoo was going with this.

“I loved to take pictures and videos of you guys, didn’t I? I took a lot of pictures of you and Hyukjae, too.” Jungsoo smiled warmly, gesturing towards the photo album in Jongwoon’s hands. “I decided to make a compilation of your moments together with him. So you’d always remember him and the happy moments you guys shared together.”

Jongwoon was astonished. “Wait, you — you really made this for me…? Hyung, I… I…” Overcome with emotion, Jongwoon couldn’t seem to find the words to say anything.

Jungsoo patted his back in understanding. “It’s okay, you don’t have to thank me. Jongwoon-ah, Hyukjae was my friend, too. He was like a precious little brother to me. So when I heard that he died…” Jungsoo blinked, and a tear fell down his cheek. “I… was devastated, too, but I kept thinking about you instead. I kept thinking about how you’d be able to live without him, since you had always been with him for eight years already. That’s already quite a long time.”

Jongwoon bit back a sob. “I know, hyung… I—I’m sorry… I’m sorry I keep crying like this…”

Jungsoo shook his head. “No, you don’t need to be sorry at all. Come here…” In a gentle motion, he scooped the younger in his arms, locking him in a warm embrace. Jongwoon laid his head on Jungsoo’s shoulder, letting his tears fall freely down to his chin.

“You’re still so young, Jongwoon-ah…” Jungsoo said wistfully, rubbing comforting circles on the younger’s back. “You have a lot left to live for…”

Jongwoon didn’t say anything, but he tightened his grip on Jungsoo, closing his eyes and letting himself and his emotions go. Suddenly, his heart felt more calm than it had ever been these past few weeks.

Maybe… he just really needed this. Someone to hug him and tell him that it was okay to cry.

“...and I’m sure that Hyukjae would want you to live happily from now on. You’re not alone, okay? We’ll be here for you… whenever you need us.”

●◉◎◈◎◉●

And like a blink of an eye, tomorrow came.

“By the way, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo called out before he and Ryeowook could go outside the door with their bags.

“Yeah, hyung?” Jongwoon said.

Jungsoo said nothing in response, but he placed his backpack on the ground and strode over to Jongwoon, giving the latter a big hug. Caught off-guard by the sudden affectionate gesture, Jongwoon hesitated only for a few seconds before reciprocating the hug.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Jungsoo whispered in his ear. He then emitted a low chuckle, confusing Jongwoon. “Geez, that kid… telling me to keep it a secret when he isn’t even here to kill me for this.”

“Hyung…?” Jongwoon said, perplexed.

“The album wasn’t my idea,” Jungsoo said, pulling away and smiling at the younger. “It was Hyukjae’s.”

It was in that surprised, frozen state that Jungsoo and Ryeowook left him with, and Jongwoon stayed like that until he closed the door behind him and stepped back inside his now-lonely apartment.

Except for two new little companions, of course.

When Jongwoon sat on the couch, Melo and Kkoming jumped on him instantly, enthusiastically licking the sides of his face. Startled, Jongwoon tried to pry them away from him gently but when he couldn’t, he just let out a small chuckle and patted them on the head.

“Alright, alright, I won’t be sad anymore, stop it,” Jongwoon relented, staring at his two puppies’ adorable faces as they seemed to be waiting for something. “Why are you looking at me like that — oh, wait, you two must be hungry. Wait just a minute, I’ll be back.”

Soon, Jongwoon found the dog food Ryeowook kept under the kitchen counter and poured some on the dog bowls he picked up nearby. Melo and Kkoming, who followed him to the kitchen, pounced on one bowl almost immediately.

“Hold up, hold up, you have bowls of your own for a reason!” Jongwoon said, laughing as he steered Melo away from Kkoming’s dog bowl and towards her own. “Here, now eat up, you rascals.”

Jongwoon closed the big bag of dog food and tucked it back safely inside the cabinet. He watched his dogs eat their food happily and when they finished, he cleaned the bowls with some wet tissues and placed them against the wall.

Sighing softly, he went back to his couch and saw that his phone’s screen was on with a message notification. Curious, he picked it up and saw who it was from.

* * *

**Ryeowookie ☆**

* * *

Hyung

About the puppies…

I hesitated to tell you this since it might bring back sad memories, but I think you need to know.

Hyukjae-hyung called me a few days before I heard the news. He told me he was leaving soon and

And that he needed to make sure you aren’t going to be lonely when he’s gone…

So he asked me to come with you to the pet shop and help you adopt some cute puppies so that you wouldn’t feel lonely.

I think… he already knew, hyung.

Even until the end, he was still thinking about you.

He really loved you.

And I love you too, hyung. Please take care of yourself.

I’ll visit you whenever I can, okay?

* * *

Jongwoon took a deep breath, then replied with a quick ‘thank you’ to his dongsaeng before turning off his phone, leaning back against the couch. Soon enough, his two dogs leaped over to his side, seemingly sensing his sadness because they started tentatively licking his fingers.

Jongwoon smiled softly.

“Do you know why it’s still hard for me to move on…?” Jongwoon spoke up gently, rubbing Melo’s soft fur under her chin.

“The first time I found out about Hyukjae’s condition…” Jongwoon began. “It was when I prodded him to go to the hospital because he claimed that he felt so sleepy all the time. I was worried, so I told Siwon to tell me first about Hyukjae’s diagnosis. Hyukjae wasn’t that concerned about it, but _I_ was.

“After a week, Siwon called me with the results. He said that it took a while for him to get back to me since he had to check things again and again so that he would be sure of the correct diagnosis. He mentioned that he even sought the help of the hospital’s researchers as well as the second opinion of other doctors he knew. I was confused at first until he told me that it was a rare kind of disease that needed a lot of confirmation and tests before they were sure that Hyukjae really _did_ have it.

“So I made Hyukjae visit the hospital every month with the pretense of it being a usual kind of checkup. I went along with him so that it wouldn’t become suspicious. Siwon and some other doctors told Hyukjae that he had a low immune system and white blood cell count, so he needed to take a lot of ‘vitamins’ and be injected with some medicine. I knew that Siwon didn’t want to alarm Hyukjae at that time because they weren’t even sure of their diagnosis yet.

“He explained a lot of technicalities to me, but I couldn’t keep track of them all. I didn’t understand some of the things he was saying, but what I did understand… was the fact that my boyfriend was _dying_. And that nobody could do anything to make him better.” Jongwoon sniffled, wiping the tears that started producing at the corners of his eyes. “It was a nightmare for me after that.”

Jongwoon couldn’t contain a smile as Kkoming suddenly jumped on him and licked his face. Melo joined as well. It was as if they sensed that their owner was sad again. It was quite amazing in a way.

“Alright, alright… I won’t be sad anymore, OK? I promise this time.” Jongwoon chuckled in an empty voice, caressing Kkoming’s fur as the dog settled in between his waist and arm. “I should start moving on too, right…? Hyukjae wouldn’t like it if I keep on moping around like this…”

 _Actually…_ Jongwoon chuckled. _He’d hit me on the head if I kept on being depressing like this._

And that was the moment when Jongwoon decided to make a change for himself.

He stood up and started to clean his apartment, dusting off furniture here and there. His mind that had previously been occupied by so many useless thoughts was now effectively distracted as he had so many things left to do, _so_ many things he needed to gain closure and acceptance with.

He began by making lunch for himself instead of constantly ordering takeout food. When he finally finished, he grinned widely as he placed the dishes on the table.

“Hyukjae would like this soup—” Jongwoon suddenly stopped in his tracks when he realized what he had done.

Two dishes. He had gotten out two plates and two sets of utensils and also prepared food that was good for two instead of one.

Jongwoon didn’t know how long he stood there, just that he kept on gazing at the steaming hot pot in front of him, waiting for a person that would never come and eat with him at the table again.

So, silently, Jongwoon scooped up some rice and began to eat, the sound of the TV blaring in the background in chorus to the barking of his two new puppies.

When he finished, he put the dishes in the sink and began to wash them. Usually, he and Hyukjae would take turns, but now that he was alone, there were only a few dishes to be done, and only _he_ needed to do all the chores now.

Jongwoon sighed as he entered the living room. He hadn’t turned on the TV in a long while; Jungsoo and Ryeowook had been the last ones to use it, and he only came to watch since he needed some sort of distraction.

When the cable tuned in to some boring news Jongwoon didn’t have a care about, he searched for the remote in the couch he was sitting on, emitting small groans of frustration when he couldn’t find it. Where on earth had Jungsoo and Ryeowook left it?

“Hyukjae-ya, have you seen where they put the remote?” he called out, pressing his fingers to his temple.

When he received no response, Jongwoon’s heart skipped a beat as he realized that he’d done it again.

_Shit. Damn it._

Jongwoon cursed to himself as he began searching around the living room, trying to make himself forget about the loneliness that crept inside his gut. As he continued his hunt for the remote, Melo and Kkoming followed him around, their tails wagging excitedly. Jongwoon gave them a quick pat on the heads and, deciding that he had no luck in this room, he opted to go to the guest room where Ryeowook stayed.

Jongwoon took a deep breath as he held the knob.

When he finally entered the guest room that he’d been avoiding for so long, he was dazed by the fact that nothing had changed at all. Even though he tried hard not to let it get to him, Jongwoon could somehow still feel Hyukjae’s presence in the room, with his scent and his cheery aura making the atmosphere both daunting and inviting to be in.

Jongwoon sighed as he spotted the wayward remote lying innocently on the bed. Ryeowook must have left it there in his haste. Jongwoon strode over and picked it up, but then he was overcome by a sense of nostalgia and sat down on the bed instead, staring at the picture frame by the nightstand.

It was a photo of him and Hyukjae along with their friends as they had their housewarming party. It had been a fun night back then, with no worries and no anxiousness, only smiles and laughter.

Jongwoon wished that he could go back to those times.

 _Sadly, I can’t…_ he thought to himself almost bitterly, taking the picture frame and opening the nightstand drawer to place it inside. _Because he’s gone now…_

Jongwoon was about to close the drawer when he suddenly spotted something foreign. Curious, he picked it up and realized that it was an envelope with two words written in the front:

_To Jongwoon-hyung_

In Hyukjae’s familiar handwriting.

Jongwoon felt his heart racing in his chest. Hyukjae had left a _letter_ for him here? How come he had never — oh, right, he’d refused to come back here to the apartment after his lover’s death, _and_ he kept on avoiding the guest room, too.

With trembling fingers, Jongwoon opened the envelope, pulled out the letter that was inside, and began to read.

︵Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ︵

Dear Jongwoon-hyung,

You might be thinking — why am I even writing a letter when technology exists?! Well, I don’t have a choice! This letter is supposed to be top secret, ~~so I can’t let you know about this before I… you know;;;~~ okay, sorry, that was uncalled for. I don’t have any pretty papers left to write, sorry T_T You’ll have to bear with my mistakes in here since I used up almost all of them re-writing this ~~stup~~ letter. Sorry.

I knew the truth around the time when we fought. I’m sorry I never told you. I was so devastated at the time and I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, who would be, right, if they suddenly find out that they’re dying? I don’t get it. I’m perfectly healthy, and yet I’m dying… kind of feels unreal, right? I don’t know anymore, hyung…

These days, I’m just thinking of spending more time with you. I called Donghae, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, even Sungmin who’s rarely in Korea nowadays, to ask them to look after you when I’m gone. This is the only thing I can do for you in such a short time. We’ve been together for so long, never leaving each other’s presence, so I can’t imagine how you’d feel when I’m no longer there by your side. I wish I could take away the pain from you when that time comes, but...

Jongwoon noticed a few dry streaks on the paper and realized that they were Hyukjae’s tears. Trying hard to suppress his own, Jongwoon continued reading.

I told Ryeowook to go with you and adopt some companions of your own. I hope you’ll pick the cute ones! Two puppies with such adorable faces that you won’t be able to contain your smile whenever you see them. It’ll make me feel better if you have someone by your side so that you won’t feel lonely. As for the others, it’s too embarrassing to tell you what I told them so you ask them yourself! >_<

Anyway, look, I’m running out of space already T_T I don’t have a lot to say, anyway… Do you still keep my sticky notes in your room? Those are my true feelings towards you, so I hope you’ll keep them in your heart. You already know that I’m not the type to express my feelings so openly, even on paper. I prefer to tease you instead :P You’re so fun to tease, it’s too easy to get you so angry!

Okay… if my plan works, I’ll be able to take you out to a resort soon. We’ll play together at the amusement park and have a lot of fun! Hopefully I’ll still have enough time by then… even just thinking about it, I don’t think our time together will ever be enough. I miss you already, hyung… I regret not giving you enough affection and cheesy words during the times we were together. I wish I could turn back time and tell you I love you, too, a thousand times. From our college years till now. And I regret it deeply.

You made me so happy, I’m thankful. I don’t want to say goodbye since it’s not my time yet, but realizing that you might read this by the time I’m gone… it hurts my heart just to think of it. I always hated seeing you cry. This is torture.

I might be too late to say this — and maybe my cowardly self couldn’t say it right in front of your face, so I’ll say it here just in case. I love you, Jongwoon-ah. I’m sorry it took me so long.

I’ll still love you till the end, too.

︵Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ︵

Jongwoon placed the letter back inside his nightstand drawer and buried his face in his hands.

This really _was_ goodbye, after all.

“God…” Jongwoon muttered to himself as he wiped away the tears that streaked down his cheeks.

But not really. He still had the puppies with him, still had his friends who were always worried about him, still had the photo album and videos Jungsoo compiled for him, _and_ he still had this letter that he would keep with him his entire life.

Hyukjae was never really gone. In fact, he was still here and would always be here with him.

At least, that he could accept.

●◉◎◈◎◉●

_One month later..._

The chilly morning air blasted his face, giving him a good wake-up call in his tired state. When Jongwoon jogged by a couple of bystanders, he fished out his mp3 player from his pockets and began inserting his earphones. On the way, he encountered Siwon, who paused in his tracks to greet him with a polite bow, Jongwoon doing the same. After exchanging brief greetings with each other, they went their separate ways.

The sun was starting to rise behind him, thus producing shadows in Jongwoon’s line of sight. A small smile curved his lips when he spotted Siwon’s tall shadow accompanying him not too far behind. If the younger man thought that he was being inconspicuous, then he was wrong.

Jongwoon knew, ever since he started jogging here again, that Siwon had always been with him silently, keeping him company from the back. It was a nice gesture and Jongwoon appreciated it; at least he wasn’t lonely whenever he exercised, too.

He emitted a low chuckle at the back of his throat. He had a feeling that Hyukjae had something to do with this, too, that overprotective brat.

Tilting his head upwards, he smiled as he spotted a few clouds in the vibrant sky, separated from the shining sun. Sunrise was often regarded as a sign of new beginnings, of a new day waiting ahead for everyone. It used to hurt Jongwoon whenever he watched the sunrise because that was what Hyukjae last saw before he passed, but the pain was beginning to fade now, albeit slowly.

At least it was a start.

And maybe… maybe in time, he’d heal.

He had thought that he wouldn’t be able to live normally anymore after losing Hyukjae, but it turned out that the younger kept his promise, after all. Hyukjae _never_ left him; his love was always there, always present. In their apartment, in their friends, and in Jongwoon’s heart.

Jongwoon exhaled slightly as he continued jogging past Han River, the music he composed for Hyukjae blaring in his ears.

  
  


🎶 _“I promise you, there will be nobody else but you.”_ 🎶

  
  
  
  


🎵 _“Because that’s just how much I love you.”_ 🎵

  
  
  
  


**_fin_ **


	3. Sidestory

｢ _Special: Hyukjae’s Side of the Story_ ｣

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_Note_ ** _: Hyukjae’s so-called rare, incurable heart disease in this fic was made up by me. If there are any similarities with real-life cases (which I have not yet encountered in my research), it is purely coincidental._

  
  
  


**I.**

**“C** ome on, Hyukjae-ya! Just one drink!” said Kangin, his co-worker, as he offered Hyukjae a shot glass.

Hyukjae refused, smiling. “Nah, I’ll pass, hyung. Jongwoon-hyung told me to stop drinking.”

“Wow, you stopped drinking just because your boyfriend told you to?” Heechul said in awe, shaking his head. “You’re whipped, man.”

“So when’s the marriage?” Kangin teased, setting his glass down.

Hyukjae shrugged. “I don’t know. Someday, maybe? We’re not really in a rush.”

Heechul nodded in understanding. “Well, you two _are_ living together, after all. It’s like you’re married already.”

“It’d be nice to put a label on it though,” Shindong remarked.

Hyukjae smiled. “Well, I _am_ currently pestering him about a beach wedding. Jongwoon-hyung doesn’t really like the sand sticking to his clothes, but I think I’ve already convinced him halfway.”

“Yah, make sure to give us an invitation, you hear?” Kangin called out.

Hyukjae waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, of course. You guys are my co-workers, y’all are invited automatically.”

The entire table clapped and cheered. “Whoo! Lee Hyukjae is the man!”

Hyukjae raised a hand narcissistically, looking quite proud of himself. “Yes, yes, I know I’m the best.”

Heechul leaned over to whisper into Kangin’s ear, “His head has gotten so big in a span of a few seconds…” to which Kangin gave a hearty laugh afterwards.

“Anyway,” Hyukjae said, standing up and patting invisible dust off his jeans. “It’s getting late. I need to go home now.”

Heechul pouted. “Already? But we haven’t drunk the night away yet!”

“You sure you gonna go?” Kangin asked.

Hyukjae nodded with a grin. “Yeah, I miss my man already,” he said cheekily before turning on his heel and walking away. “See ya tomorrow, guys!”

When Hyukjae exited the VIP room, his eardrums were fed with the loud techno noise the DJ was currently playing. Moving to the farthest side of the room, Hyukjae hurried his steps until he reached the bar area where the exit doors were located nearby.

Hyukjae was about to slip out the doors when he suddenly heard a familiar voice coming from the bar stand.

“I don’t know what to do anymore…”

“Tsk, tsk. Come here, kid.”

Hyukjae whirled his head towards the direction of the voices and his eyes widened at what he saw.

There was his usually calm, collected, and rational boyfriend, obviously drunk and tipsy, being patted on the back by a complete stranger. When Hyukjae looked closely, the man seemed to be in his mid-forties, dressed in a casual t-shirt and ripped jeans. From the look of his muscles that were apparent due to the constricting material of his shirt, it was obvious that he exercised a lot in his daily routine.

Hyukjae made a move to fetch his boyfriend and take him home when Jongwoon suddenly continued talking to the man.

“They told me… they told me that he doesn’t have long left to live,” Jongwoon sniffed, sounding so pained that it broke Hyukjae’s heart to hear that kind of tone coming from his boyfriend. “I asked S—Siwon if he could get a second opinion, if he would double check Hyuk’s results and tell me that it was all a m—mistake, but Siwon told me that the diagnosis remained the same, and that the treatments that they were secretly giving Hyukjae in our monthly checkups weren’t working anymore. His lifespan’s getting shorter and there’s _nothing_ I can do about it…!”

Hyukjae froze in his position as he heard the words coming out of his lover’s mouth. He swallowed heavily, his throat suddenly going dry at this revelation.

_I’m…_

_...dying…?_

_What on earth is he talking about...?_

When the bartender finished cleaning the glasses and moved towards his direction, Hyukjae immediately sat on the furthest stool in the bar, not too far yet not too close to his lover and his ‘friend’. To be honest, Hyukjae had _no_ idea why he was even doing this, eavesdropping on their conversation. He could just drag Jongwoon away from here and make him explain when they got home, but that would just make a scene, and standing out tonight was the last thing Hyukjae wanted at the moment.

So he listened on, ordering a shot of tequila from the bartender but not drinking it, his ears still following the conversation despite his mind spinning with several incredulous questions.

“And Hyuk was telling me the other day a—about how he’d like to get married by the sea, how he’s planning to adopt children when we’re in our thirties… He—He sounded so excited that I couldn’t even act all happy in front of him,” Jongwoon said brokenly. “I could only manage a fake smile but I felt so guilty th—that I wanted to throw up…”

“Why didn’t you tell him then?” the stranger asked, his voice friendly and nonchalant as if Jongwoon hadn’t been pouring out his heart to him these past few minutes.

“I—I can’t,” Jongwoon responded, shutting his eyes. “I can’t let him know that he’s dying… it—it’ll crush him…! He has so many goals yet to achieve, so many things he has yet to experience—” Jongwoon gave a choked sob. “He’s still so _young…_ and I have to tell him that he’s not going to be able to live up to old age…? That he’s not even going to reach his thirties? That’s too cruel…”

The stranger shook his head. “Lad, listen to me. Aren’t _you_ being the cruel one here? You ain’t even giving your man the decision to choose for himself? It’s his life, his body, he _deserves_ to know, right? Why ya gotta hold back this information and keep it to yourself? At least he’ll be aware that he’s dying. That way, he can do everything he wants to do before his time comes. No biggie, right?”

Jongwoon seemed to stiffen in his position, multiple emotions swirling in his gaze. Hyukjae watched with teary eyes as Jongwoon sobbed even more, his sniffles and small cries hurting Hyukjae much more than the revelation of him having an incurable disease that could take his life anytime.

Hyukjae made a move to stand up. This was enough already. He had to take Jongwoon home now and talk to him. He had to be clear for the both of them, and right now Jongwoon wasn’t in the right state to talk rationally.

However, he stopped in his tracks when the stranger clicked his tongue disapprovingly.

“Y’know, you kids are just making things harder for yourselves,” he lectured, downing another glass of alcohol. He was starting to seem drunk now. “Anyway, if you really don’t wanna tell him, then I suggest you break up with him instead.”

Both Hyukjae and Jongwoon froze.

“Besides, he’s dying, right? You won’t be able to live with him till you grow old, and since he’ll be gone soon…” the man continued on, shrugging, “...it’ll be a waste of time for your youth. Besides, with your handsome looks, young lad, you can bag any man or woman you wish. Rather, I’d prefer you go and marry a woman instead. Go and live a normal life and make babies that have your genes; won’t that make you happier? Anyway, this is just a friendly advi—”

He never got to finish his sentence for Jongwoon had instantly stood up from his seat, drawn his arm back, and punched him right on the face.

Hyukjae jumped out from where he was sitting, stunned as he watched the bulky man fall to the floor due to the strength of Jongwoon’s punch.

“What the _fuck_?!” The stranger exclaimed, catching the attention of all the people nearby. “You dirty rat! Why’d you punch me all of a sudden?!”

Jongwoon stood over him, his expression contorted into a quiet rage as he levelled his opponent with a stormy gaze. “ _That_ ,” he said in a controlled voice, “was for disrespecting Hyukjae.”

In a flash, Jongwoon was kneeling down and gripping the surprised man by his shirt. “And _this_!” He delivered another blow to the man’s cheek, causing the latter to grunt loudly in pain. “Is for suggesting that I leave him! Fucking _bastard_!”

The two of them were already drawing attention by this point. The bartender was calling a security guard and they were both on their way towards the scene while the onlookers were keeping their distance, eyes glued to the fight that was catching their interest from the nonstop dancing.

Hyukjae couldn’t even hear the screams of surprise when Jongwoon was suddenly shoved away, the man getting to his feet and hitting Jongwoon with a right hook, causing the latter to groan in pain while clutching his eye area. Hyukjae could feel his ears ringing, his vision focused on the scene before him that was causing his blood to boil. Clenching his fists, he began to stalk towards them and give the man a piece of his mind when loud, familiar shouts suddenly passed by him.

“Jongwoon-ah!”

“Jongwoon-hyung!”

Hyukjae staggered backwards in surprise, blinking as the familiar forms of Jungsoo and Sungmin arrived at the scene, already doing damage control. Jungsoo was dragging Jongwoon away, placing him on a nearby stool and examining his bruise while Sungmin grabbed the stranger’s wrist before he could punch him.

“I’m sorry, mister,” Sungmin apologized with a sheepish smile as he gripped the man’s wrist effortlessly. “Our friend is just drunk and he’s not in control of his mind right now. Can you please forgive him and let this go, just this once?”

The burly man blinked in confusion at this smaller man’s strength. “Let _go_ of me, you pipsqueak!” he yelled, his words becoming slurred. “Out of my way or I’ll — _argh_!”

In one swift move, Sungmin twisted the man’s arm behind his back, causing the older man to howl in pain. At that moment, the bartender and the security guard came over to him, the latter demanding explanations. Sungmin looked over to Jungsoo’s direction and gestured for him to get out of there.

“I’ll take care of things here,” Sungmin mouthed, and Jungsoo understood.

Jungsoo started leading a tipsy Jongwoon away while Hyukjae was already long gone the moment the two of them arrived.

  
  
  


**II.**

**A** s Hyukjae rode the taxi, he felt strangely empty. It was like he was numb, like he couldn’t feel anything at all. Perhaps it was because of shock? People _did_ tend to have their mind shut down when in the process of absorbing shocking information.

When he somehow managed to get into their apartment in one piece, Hyukjae slumped to the floor the moment the door closed behind him. This time his breathing pattern changed, turning shallow and ragged as tears began welling up in his eyes. He could feel his stomach twisting in his gut and he suppressed the urge to vomit.

He was fine. He _felt_ fine, everything was definitely _fine_ , but he was _dying_? What kind of reality was that? It was too surreal, too difficult to accept. Heck, he couldn’t even _believe_ it at all. He didn’t hurt anywhere; he wasn’t restricted by anything. He could talk for hours, he could walk _just_ fine, and he could focus on his work normally. So why — _why_ was he dying? It made _no_ sense. No, it _mustn’t_ be true—

At that moment, Hyukjae’s phone vibrated in his pocket. With shaky hands, he pulled it out and looked at the screen with bleary eyes, blinking to let his frustrated tears fall.

It was Jungsoo, telling him that he was with Jongwoon and that he was taking him home right now since it was late.

Hyukjae didn’t even bother replying to the message and turned off his phone, throwing it carelessly on the couch. It bounced a bit from the soft material and thankfully didn’t fall to the floor, but that wasn’t Hyukjae’s problem right now.

Standing up like a zombie, Hyukjae took a deep breath and rubbed his face harshly, telling himself to get a grip. He needed to be composed before Jongwoon was home; he didn’t want to let the older know that he stumbled upon him at the bar earlier. He still needed to think things through before any sort of confrontation. Plus, his mind wasn’t ready yet and he still couldn’t process the situation clearly.

Forcing himself to relax, he sat himself on the couch and took deep breaths, one at a time. It was a calming meditation technique he learned a long time ago which helped his stress with dealing things at work.

It was then that he heard the door opening and Jongwoon came in. The moment Hyukjae saw his face, he instantly spotted the bruise near the eye area and he felt something akin to rage spurn inside his heart. He jumped out of his seat and instantly went over to his lover, worrying about his bruise and getting mindlessly angry. Jongwoon was pleading with him to leave it alone for now, but that only made Hyukjae even angrier. Jongwoon evading his questions made him feel a bit betrayed even though he knew that it was wrong to feel that way.

In the end, he managed to control himself, grabbing some painkillers from the cupboards and placing it on the coffee table in front of Jongwoon. Then he coldly stated that he would be sleeping in the guest room, something which he knew shocked Jongwoon but he still went ahead with his decision. It was too late to take it back now.

Hyukjae collapsed to the floor after he slammed the door behind him, burying his face in his hands. He’d exploded on his boyfriend, his boyfriend who loved him so much and defended him, _and_ he even gave false excuses for his anger just so he could blow up on the older man. He felt terrible and _so_ very sorry that he almost considered going back to the living room and begging for forgiveness on his knees in front of Jongwoon. It wasn’t fair to his lover at all, but Hyukjae couldn’t help it. He was apparently _dying_ , and there was _no_ cure for it. His ‘vitamins’ couldn’t help, either, except for extending his life. His puny, useless life that Jongwoon wanted so hard to protect.

So _that_ was why Jongwoon seemed so eager to make him happy. He didn’t want Hyukjae to be sad in his last few months of living. Plus, who was to say that that estimation was going to be accurate? He could probably just die anytime, any moment of any day. _Heck_ , he could probably even die the next morning, unable to wake up from his bed. It was just his luck that he couldn’t feel any pain at all, but _this_ was a lot more terrifying than having pain that made you feel like you _were_ dying. At least, when you hurt and it gets worse day by day, you’d _feel_ when you’re going to die.

With this disease he had, there was no telling when at all.

Hyukjae stood up, locked the door, and went to the adjoined bathroom. Inside, he sat on the floor and pressed his knees against his chest, unable to stop the sobs from racking his body. He knew that Jongwoon couldn’t hear him from here; the bathroom wasn’t connected to the living room wall and the main bedroom and guest room had an exercise room in between, so he could cry as much as he wanted in here without anyone hearing.

When Hyukjae dried the last of his tears, he tilted his head skywards, exhaling a shallow breath. He was exhausted from all that crying. His eyes felt heavy and his nose stung.

Briefly, Hyukjae wondered what he would’ve done if Jongwoon had told him about his condition the moment he found out about it. Would it have been better? Would he have lived his life to the fullest knowing that he only had limited time left in the world?

Somehow, for no reason, Hyukjae had a feeling that the result would’ve been a lot worse than now.

  
  
  


**III.**

**H** e was crying again. Hyukjae could hear it from behind their bedroom door. Jongwoon must’ve thought that he wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night and venture towards the outside of their bedroom, listening to his pained sobs that he thought would go unheard.

_I must be a masochist,_ Hyukjae thought to himself wryly as he stayed there, closing his eyes, letting Jongwoon’s pain wash over him. It was nights like this that made him realize so much more that even if he was hurting inside, his lover was also breaking down as much as him.

Hyukjae smiled sadly, his miserable heart breaking into a thousand pieces. He loved the man _so_ much that it almost hurt physically. For a moment, he actually toyed with the idea of leaving him, of leaving Jongwoon and letting him live a peaceful, stress-free life without him who was like a silent, walking, harmless time-bomb. Jongwoon deserved better, after all.

Hyukjae let the tears fall from his eyes as he remembered all those times when he suggested and annoyed Jongwoon about marrying by the seaside, about adopting kids one day once they were ready. He could remember Jongwoon’s strained smile in those moments which he had mistaken for as irritation due to his endless pestering.

But now that he knew the truth, Hyukjae realized that Jongwoon had been in anguish, wondering how he could ever _do_ that with him, with Lee Hyukjae, who only had months — maybe weeks, maybe days, maybe even _hours_ — left to live.

_Some might think, in this situation, that Jongwoon-hyung is selfish to keep the truth from me…_ Hyukjae thought to himself as he sat on the floor, still listening to Jongwoon’s pitiful cries. _But I think he’s just too kind._

_If only I could turn back time… because I wish that I never knew about this, too._

  
  
  


**IV.**

_Hyukjae-ya, I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be back before 7._

**H** yukjae saw the sticky note attached to the fridge and frowned. Another appointment? Come to think of it, Jongwoon’s headaches had been bothering him more frequently than before.

Siwon told him that Jongwoon suffered from what seemed to be chronic tension headache, a condition that causes throbbing pain on one or both sides of one’s head. It can also be confused sometimes with a migraine. Siwon also said that there were a lot of possible causes for this, but in Jongwoon’s case, it was probably due to taking too many painkillers as well as inadequate sleep and appetite. Stress was a factor, too.

Hyukjae knew that his condition had worsened than before due to his own looming problem, and that made him feel as guilty as ever.

It also didn’t help that they hadn’t resolved things yet, either. Hyukjae knew that he was the main reason why, especially because he kept on avoiding Jongwoon, so he wanted to be the first one to make the move.

_There’s no time left and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself when my own boyfriend is suffering for me out there._

Getting his coat from the rack, Hyukjae ventured outside, re-checking if his wallet and keys were in the pockets. He sighed heavily as he went outside the apartment and began walking towards the direction of the hospital.

Should he just tell Jongwoon the truth? He felt guilty enough for snapping at the man, but he couldn’t get the chance to apologize to him since his mind was still reeling from the shocking news he overheard that fateful night. Every time he looked at himself in the mirror, he would see a man who was about to die, and it sickened him. Even though he looked lean and healthy, even though _nothing_ was wrong with him at all, he was _still_ dying. It was like a curse. Or a horrible nightmare. It was tearing him apart on the inside and he didn’t know what to do.

Tears began welling up in his eyes and Hyukjae hastily wiped them away, refusing to cry while walking in the middle of the streets. Heaving a frustrated sigh, he cursed himself for being so weak, for being so burdensome to others. If only he hadn’t fallen in love with Jongwoon in the first place, then the man wouldn’t have to suffer like this, and at _his_ expense, no less.

Nobody wanted a sick lover by their side who was about to die. Jongwoon was better off without him, and he deserved better, too, as what he kept repeating inside his head.

But despite knowing the truth, Jongwoon… still chose to _be_ with Hyukjae. He chose to be with a walking, talking, silent time bomb that was due to disappear into the afterlife anytime from now.

Hyukjae sometimes wondered if Jongwoon was really _that_ stupid. With an exasperated and somewhat frustrated sigh, Hyukjae stopped in his tracks by the sidewalk as he remembered all the times Jongwoon tried his best to make him happy. It all started after their usual monthly checkup with Siwon, and Jongwoon began acting weird after that.

It was only when Hyukjae knew the truth that he finally realized the meaning of the looks Jongwoon kept giving him.

Hyukjae rubbed his face with his hand, his expression distraught. _What am I going to do now…?_

_I don’t know what to do…_

_Should I contact Mom…? No… she’s still sick and visits the hospital frequently. I don’t want to worsen her condition by letting her know that her son is dying._

_My sister then…?_

_What about Kyu, Wookie, and Jungsoo-hyung…?_

_Heechul-hyung, Kangin-hyung, Sungmin-hyung, and Shindong-hyung?_

_Even Donghae, who’s currently living far from Korea?_

_What am I supposed to tell them?_

Hyukjae was about to go crazy when he suddenly spotted something at the café shop in front of him.

_That coat is really familiar…?_

When Hyukjae stepped forward to get a closer look, his heart stopped when he saw two familiar people sitting together at a table. His chest clenched at the sight of Jongwoon sobbing silently behind the glass windows, and Siwon wiping his tears for him with a handkerchief.

Hyukjae’s mood worsened when he realized that _he_ was most likely the reason why his lover was crying so desperately like that.

  
  
  


**V.**

**H** yukjae didn’t know how he had managed to get back to their apartment, but his mind was too full of thoughts to worry about that now. Grabbing the sticky note from the fridge, he took it with him as he sat on the couch, sighing heavily.

He now wondered if it was a good idea to continue living with Jongwoon in this kind of state. It broke his heart so much to know that _he_ was the one who kept on burdening Jongwoon, especially now that he knew the truth. Was it even right to keep staying by his side? Wasn’t it too unfair? Again, _Jongwoon deserved someone better._ Someone who would be with him until… until they grew old.

Because Hyukjae _couldn’t_ give him any of that.

_But why… do I still not have it in me to let him go?_

_Why am I so selfish? God…_

Hyukjae stayed like that for a long moment, his gaze vacant, not even noticing that Jongwoon came home and closed the door behind him until the older man spoke up in a slightly hoarse voice.

“I’m home.”

Hyukjae didn’t respond nor react; he couldn’t do anything but remain still. He still didn’t know what to do or what the right thing to do was. It was all so depressing that he just wanted to give up and leave already.

At that moment, Jongwoon sat down beside him, not too near yet not too far away, and asked, “What is it?”

When Jongwoon reached out a hand to touch him, Hyukjae found himself moving away slightly, swallowing at the hurt expression that crossed his lover’s features.

_I’m not even worthy of being touched by you anymore._

Hyukjae didn’t even realize that he was crushing the sticky note in his hand until he felt the jagged pieces poking at his skin. Exhaling deeply, he placed the crushed sticky note on the coffee table and shut his eyes. “So how was your doctor’s appointment?” he asked flatly. “What did Dr. Choi say to you?”

_What did you talk about with him?_

“I just went to ask if I… if I could change my pills since I couldn’t handle their bitter taste in my mouth,” Jongwoon said hesitantly. “After that, Dr. Choi treated me to a late lunch…”

_Change your pills…?_

_Liar._

“I see,” Hyukjae responded lifelessly. “I hope you had a great time…”

“Hyukkie, what’s wrong…?” Jongwoon asked softly. “You haven’t been looking at me the entire time we’ve been talking. If there’s anything—”

“I saw you, you know,” Hyukjae interrupted quietly. Best to tell him that part of the truth now.

“What…?”

“I saw you at that café earlier,” Hyukjae repeated, waiting patiently for Jongwoon’s response and elaboration. He wanted to know _what_ they were talking about and _why_ Jongwoon looked so sad. He wanted to confirm if it really _was_ about him.

“I met Dr. Choi at the hospital first,” Jongwoon clarified. “I… I asked him to change my pills to something much stronger because the pain was sometimes too much for me… and after that he suggested we eat at a café so I could fill my stomach with something before I took my pills.”

Hyukjae turned his head slightly, facing his lover. “And..?”

From his peripheral vision, he could see Jongwoon freezing in place. He opened his lips, seemingly wanting to say something, but the words were stuck in his throat. Hyukjae understood him though. He began to understand it now.

It really _was_ because of him.

“...Did you decide to leave me?” Hyukjae spoke up, unable to control the pain from showing in his voice. “Do you find it difficult being with me now that you had to cry like that in front of Siwon earlier? Am I not enough for you anymore, hyung?”

When he felt his eyes stinging and warm liquid flowing down his cheeks, Hyukjae realized that he was crying.

“You never confide in me that much anymore,” Hyukjae continued on, sniffling. “Do… Do you still love me? If not, you can tell me. Tell me, and I’ll disappear if — if you want me to. I’ll—”

When Jongwoon suddenly used that moment to lock him in his arms, Hyukjae thrashed about, not wanting to be held at all. He felt like he was being a selfish little kid, wanting desperately to hold onto something that should never be pulled along with him.

“I love you, I _still_ love you, you’re the _last_ person I will ever love like this, and _no_ , I would _never_ leave you and I _don’t_ want you to disappear!” Jongwoon suddenly told him in a broken voice, his breathing short and rapid as he tried to get all the words out at once.

Hyukjae stopped resisting when the words escaped Jongwoon’s lips, his eyes widening in surprise.

“How could — how could you _say_ that to me after all we went through together?! Don’t say things like that again… please.. _please_ , Hyukjae…”

Hyukjae bit his lip as the guilt, shame, and happiness washed over his body like a tide.

_Shit._

_I’m… the worst person ever._

“S—Sorry…” Hyukjae mumbled apologetically, letting himself cry in Jongwoon’s arms. “Sorry, hyung… I—I’m really… s—sorry… ugh…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry… please…” Jongwoon begged, hugging him even tighter than possible. “Just stay with me… stay with me…”

_I will_ … Hyukjae promised to himself, biting his lip as the desperation came over him once more. _I will…_

_A—As long as I’m still alive… I will..._

  
  
  


**VI.**

**A** fter that night, Hyukjae decided that he wouldn’t make Jongwoon unhappy anymore. However, it was still difficult for him to accept the reality of his disease, so he decided to go pay a visit to Siwon in the morning.

When Jongwoon bade him a hesitant goodbye before leaving for work, Hyukjae moved towards him and gave his lover a long embrace, wrapping his arms around Jongwoon’s neck and resting his chin against his shoulder.

He could feel Jongwoon reciprocating the hug, giving him that same warmth that always sent the butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

After that, Jongwoon left with his coat and car keys. Hyukjae waited until the door was closed and peeked out of the windows, knowing that Jongwoon’s car was parked right below. When he saw his lover getting inside the car and driving away, Hyukjae took a deep breath and put on his own coat, planning to visit the hospital as soon as possible.

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

“You wanted to see me, Hyukjae-ssi?”

Hyukjae entered Siwon’s office with a determined look on his face. Siwon was seated behind his desk, looking slightly confused. Hyukjae couldn’t blame him though; they only ever interacted with each other whenever Jongwoon was around, plus Hyukjae never bothered to ask Siwon about the ‘vitamins’ he was taking, thinking back then that his condition was too mild to worry about.

Boy, was he wrong.

“Yes,” Hyukjae responded, taking a seat and inhaling a deep breath. He was so nervous and dreaded the outcome of this talk, but it was now or never. There was no turning back now.

“Okay. What is it?” Siwon asked gently. “It sounds serious, judging by the look on your face. Is it about Jongwoon-ssi, perhaps?”

Hyukjae shook his head. “No… it’s…” He exhaled, then decided to let it all out in one go. “I know Jongwoon’s secret. The one he’s been trying so hard to hide from me. I _need_ to know what my condition is, Siwon-ssi. Please tell me.”

When all those words came out of Hyukjae’s lips, Siwon just sat there, wide-eyed, caught off-guard by the unexpected topic. By secret, did that mean Jongwoon didn’t tell Hyukjae himself and Hyukjae somehow found out?

Siwon swallowed as he felt Hyukjae’s probing gaze on him. He wasn’t actually a bad liar, but it was clear at this point that Hyukjae would stop at nothing to get information from him, and when Siwon thought about it more carefully, Hyukjae _had_ the right to know what was going on inside his own body. He deserved that much respect at least, especially when he himself wanted to know what exactly was happening to him.

“Alright,” Siwon agreed. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know.” He leaned forward slightly, and when he saw that he had Hyukjae’s full attention, he continued on.

“First off, about 10 in 1,000,000 people have this kind of disease. They’re people who suddenly died peacefully in their sleep, not having felt any pain beforehand yet they still passed away without anyone knowing about it.”

Reeled by the information, Hyukjae slumped in his seat. “But how did I contract this disease?” Hyukjae asked quietly. “I don’t… I don’t have any bad habits; I don’t smoke, and I stopped drinking after Jongwoon-hyung scolded me about getting drunk too many times while we were dating in college. I don’t get stressed or sick often, either…”

Siwon looked at him sympathetically, taking a deep breath before he spoke. “Well, the thing is… Hyukjae-ssi, some people who contracted this illness either had weak immune systems, chronic fatigue, asthma, obesity, or vertigo. There were also some who had previous cases of alcohol addiction and medicinal overdose.

“However, most of those people had _one_ thing in common.”

Confusion crossed Hyukjae’s features as he inquired, “Which is…?”

Siwon hesitated. “...Heredity.”

Hyukjae froze.

“Wait a second… you — you mean…?”

“It’s possible that you acquired this disease from one of your family members,” Siwon explained, sympathy rising in his chest at the crestfallen expression on Hyukjae’s face. “It usually develops during your mid-twenties to late-thirties, hence why you didn’t have a problem with sleeping too much back when you were a student.”

Hyukjae averted his gaze from the doctor to his lap, his head hung low at the unexpected revelation. He’d had an inkling before that the disease was somehow similar to his father’s, but he had never really thought too much about it before.

_Damn… Good thing I don’t have any kids, then…_ Hyukjae thought wryly in spite of himself.

“Will… you tell him?” Siwon suddenly spoke up, his words and tone careful.

There was a beat of silence. Hyukjae kept his gaze on his lap, his expression unreadable. Siwon tried to read the emotions of the man before him, but to no avail.

It seemed that the more mysterious one of the couple was actually the bright and cheerful Hyukjae instead of the serious and sensitive Jongwoon.

When Hyukjae finally spoke, his lips were curved into a melancholic smile.

“...No.”

Siwon looked surprised. “No…? Why?”

Hyukjae leaned back against his chair, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. “If I tell him,” he said languidly, “then he’ll worry even more.”

Siwon was confused. “What do you mean? Jongwoon-hyung’s been trying to keep your condition from you a secret just to protect you, so if you tell him, then he wouldn’t need to stress over continuing to hide it from you, right?”

A rueful expression crossed Hyukjae’s face, a transition that only passed by briefly before he straightened his head and sent Siwon a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“If Jongwoon-hyung knows that I know, then he’d worry even more,” Hyukjae repeated softly. “It wouldn’t only be him who needs to tread on eggshells, but the _two_ of us instead. _If_ he knows, then that would mean I have to show him everything that I’m feeling. And… I don’t want both of us to get anxious and waste more time that way.”

Siwon looked perplexed. “Hyukjae-ssi, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand…”

Hyukjae corrected his posture and leaned towards Siwon’s desk, resting his elbows there as he gave the doctor an easy smile.

“If both of us know about my condition, that I’m dying without any one of us knowing when my time would come, wouldn’t that bring anxiety and unending worries?” Hyukjae explained patiently. “Jongwoon-hyung… you know that he’s quite sensitive, right?”

Siwon nodded.

“Well, because of my condition that he has to keep a secret, he’s been trying to be the strong one every time,” Hyukjae said tenderly. “But since I’m ‘unaware’ of it, _I’m_ the one who’s always cheerful, always brightening the atmosphere with my blissful ignorance. Like, since I don’t know about my condition, then _why_ should I worry about anything? I’ll still live life like usual, enjoying moments here and there. Enjoying every time spent with my boyfriend as... he tries his best to keep me happy during these days I have left to live.”

Siwon stayed silent, feeling hesitant at listening to Hyukjae’s affectionate tone when he talked about Jongwoon. It felt like he was intruding on something private that only belonged to the two of them, to this couple who deserved more than what they’d gotten in life.

Why did they have to be so unlucky?

“So, I won’t tell him,” Hyukjae concluded almost nonchalantly, his smile stretched into a grin that showed his gums. “I’ll continue to be that bright ray of sunshine for hyung and make his worries go away. I won’t make him…” His voice suddenly trailed off as he seemed to take a deep breath before continuing.

“...I won’t make him feel like I’m about to die.”

Hyukjae swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Because just as much as I don’t want him to leave me, I also _don’t_ want to leave him,” Hyukjae whispered. “I don’t want to argue with him or pick fights for no reason at all. I don’t… I don’t want us to turn out like — like my parents… I’m _not_ like my father. I _won’t_ leave him, my family, for no reason.”

Siwon listened to everything, somehow putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Whereas Jongwoon was afraid to be alone, Hyukjae was afraid that he’d turn out to be like his father.

Meanwhile, in Hyukjae’s head, he remembered all the times he passed by his sister’s room, hearing her pained sobs from behind the closed door. He remembered his mother sitting at the table in the dining room, her expression dazed and startlingly empty while her coffee cup lay forgotten in front of her.

Hyukjae _hated_ remembering his past, especially of his father. That part of his life had torn a hole in his heart and made him fear being left alone all over again.

But this time, _he_ was the one leaving, and it hurt a thousand times more as he wondered what Jongwoon was going to do if he left him alone in this world.

_I’m pathetic…_ Hyukjae thought to himself wryly, shaking his head slightly. _So selfish..._

A traitorous thought entered his mind at that moment.

_Don’t you understand your own father now?_

Hyukjae shook his head slightly.

“Say, Dr. Choi…”

“You can call me Siwon-ssi, Hyukjae-ssi,” Siwon offered with a gentle smile. “I think by this point, we’re way past plain formalities, aren’t we?”

Hyukjae looked at him in surprise before breaking into a chuckle. “You’re right, you’re right… Hah… I’m sorry.” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I feel like I came to you for a counseling session instead of asking about my own condition… I feel really bad…”

Siwon shook his head, giving dismissive gestures. “No, no, it’s fine,” he assured. “I don’t mind. I don’t have any patients or appointments today, so you can talk as freely as you wish. Besides,” Siwon added with a light snicker, “Jongwoon-hyung talks to me a lot whenever he comes to see me, too.”

Hyukjae cracked a smile at that. “As expected of Jongwoon-hyung, tsk. That hyung really talks a lot, doesn’t he?” he complained with a shake of his head, though both of them knew he didn’t mean it seriously.

Siwon smiled. “He does.”

“Oh, by the way, Siwon-ssi, you exercise, right?” Hyukjae suddenly asked.

Siwon nodded. “Yeah, I do… why?”

“When do you usually exercise?”

“Early in the morning near the central park,” Siwon answered, still confused. “Why?”

“Ah…” Hyukjae nodded slowly, clasping his hands together as if he were debating on the right words to say. “Well… Jongwoon-hyung likes to exercise early in the morning at that place, too.”

“Yeah, I see him there sometimes, but the routes we take are different,” Siwon supplied.

“Siwon-ssi…” Hyukjae swallowed, then looked the doctor in the eyes. “Do you mind… watching over him for me?”

Siwon’s eyes widened. “What… _me_?”

“Well, Jongwoon-hyung… sometimes he tends to get exhausted easily and gets one of his headache episodes as he exercises… I’m just worried that, you know, something might happen to him…”

Siwon leaned back in his chair, understanding what Hyukjae was trying to say. Nodding slowly, Siwon sent him a small smile.

“I get it. I will…” His features softened into that of a sad expression. “I’ll do it for you, Hyukjae-ssi.”

Hyukjae glanced at Siwon’s encouraging smile and he felt a bit of the burden freeing itself from his shoulders.

They talked again for a bit before Hyukjae finally bid goodbye, saying that he needed to come home before Jongwoon did. Siwon bowed back politely and watched as the smaller man made his way towards the door.

“Hyukjae-ssi...” Siwon called out softly just as Hyukjae placed his hand over the knob. “It’s okay to show that you’re sad. I’m sure… that Jongwoon-hyung would prefer that…”

Hyukjae had his back to him, so Siwon couldn’t see his face, but he could see Hyukjae’s back beginning to tremble.

Siwon felt a heavy sensation of pity pooling in his gut. Hyukjae, who had always seemed so indestructible, so confident, actually had such a small frame, with tiny shoulders that weren’t sturdy enough to lift the burden this disease had on him. 

“I know…” was Hyukjae’s slightly choked response. “I know… but…

“I’d rather be the strong one for him this time.”

  
  
  


**VII.**

**H** yukjae woke up in the middle of the night, opening his eyes blearily. For some reason, his mind decided to raise him out of his unconscious state, and when his vision slowly gained focus, he saw Jongwoon’s eyes fixed on his face.

They stared at each other like that for a long moment, none of them moving an inch from their positions. Due to their close proximity, Hyukjae could see the faint worry lines etched on Jongwoon’s face and the exhaustion making itself evident on the older’s expression. It wasn’t a physical type of fatigue, Hyukjae knew, but an emotional one.

Hyukjae blinked slowly, his gaze a mixture of confusion and sadness. “Why do you keep looking at me like that…?” he whispered.

Jongwoon was quiet for a moment before he spoke in a low, soft voice. “Like what…?”

Hyukjae’s lips curved into a rueful smile.

“Like you’re afraid I’ll disappear…”

Jongwoon stiffened at that. Hyukjae’s features softened as he reached out for his lover, locking the latter in his arms.

“Did you have a bad dream again?” Hyukjae said soothingly, rubbing Jongwoon’s back comfortingly. “I’m here… whenever you have a bad dream, just call out my name…” Hyukjae swallowed the burning lump in his throat. “...just call out my name, and I’ll hug your nightmares away… okay?”

Jongwoon made a muffled sound against Hyukjae’s shirt as he desperately clutched the fabric in his hands.

_You’re such a liar._

Hyukjae shut his eyes and let his warmth envelop his lover. When he felt Jongwoon’s body relaxing in his arms, his breathing deep and steady, Hyukjae sighed wistfully.

“I’ll chase your dreams away for as long as I’m still here…” he whispered. “So please…

“Don’t cry…”

  
  
  


**VIII.**

**D** ays passed by and went. However, it was like a blur to Hyukjae. Each day, he felt like he was running out of time. There wasn’t a single time when he didn’t feel the slightest bit anxious.

Not only that, but fear was starting to get to him the more he spent his days, mocking him before he slept and scaring him whenever he sat by himself alone. He never had a serious problem with stress before, but now he was starting to feel the effects of it. It was as if, inside his mind, there was a virtual hourglass, and the grains of sand were almost all escaping from the top half of the glass.

Sometimes, he wondered if Jongwoon didn’t want to go to work either just as much as Hyukjae didn’t want him to go. He had become terribly clingy now, but he tried to reign it in as much as possible. He didn’t want Jongwoon to become suspicious and worry more about him.

However, even at work, Hyukjae found it hard to focus. Heechul and Shindong sometimes commented on his thin frame, telling him to eat more, and Kangin also scolded him for the dark circles under his eyes. They didn’t know that Hyukjae was so scared to fall asleep that he often pretended to sleep whenever Jongwoon was still awake beside him. He didn’t want to close his eyes and suddenly not open them again. He still had a lot of things to do, a lot of things he needed to say.

But… it was hard. It was _too_ hard.

_Jongwoon-hyung must be having a difficult time, too…_ Hyukjae thought to himself absently as he wiped away his tears. Crying had suddenly become the norm for him nowadays, but he couldn’t help it. If he didn’t cry, he would go crazy.

Last night, when they were in bed and Hyukjae was pretending to sleep, his eyes fluttered open in shock when he felt Jongwoon’s body trembling against his and he heard something that sounded achingly familiar to a sob.

_“Don’t…”_

_Hyukjae’s expression turned overly concerned as he caressed Jongwoon’s head and rubbed circles on the older’s back. He seemed to be having a nightmare again. It was killing Hyukjae to see his lover like this._

_If only he could, he would take all of Jongwoon’s pain away._

_“Don’t…” Jongwoon repeated in a desperate whisper, and Hyukjae tried to soothe him by whispering gentle nothings into his ear._

_When a stray tear slid down Jongwoon’s cheek, Hyukjae felt his heart crushing._

_“What is it, hyung…?” he murmured anxiously. “Don’t what…?”_

_As if he heard him, Jongwoon reached out feebly and grasped the material of Hyukjae’s shirt, choking out his next words._

_“Don’t die…” he whispered miserably. “Don’t die, Hyukkie… please…”_

_Hyukjae felt his whole world crashing down at that moment. Biting his lip to restrain his own sobs, he couldn’t do anything but pull Jongwoon closer to him instead, desperate for some sort of warmth that could fill the sudden void within him and to clear out the fear that was making him suffer._

_Hyukjae shut his eyes, tightening his grip on his lover._

_“I…”_

_“I don’t want to die too, hyung…”_

He remembered him muttering that to Jongwoon as the older continued to sleep, unaware that Hyukjae’s tears were staining his pillow.

“I really don’t want to die…” Hyukjae whispered to himself.

But… as he thought more and more about his lover’s despair, something protective stirred inside him, something that overwhelmed the fear inside him and made him hope for something else other than surviving.

Soon, he made up his mind and strengthened his resolve.

“I don’t want to die…” he repeated to himself with a deep breath.

“...But I don’t want you to be miserable without me, either.”

Darting his eyes around the apartment with renewed vigor, he stared at each and every furniture in the vicinity, as if he were memorizing them.

Hyukjae made his decision and went inside the guest room. Taking out a box from the nightstand drawer, he took out a few pieces of paper as well as a black pen. This was his only chance to do this without getting caught since it was his day-off today and not Jongwoon’s, plus he had plenty of time before his lover came back home from work.

It was time to write.

* * *

●◉◎◈◎◉●

* * *

“Yah, Donghae-ya,” Hyukjae said the moment his call was picked up.

“Oh…? Hyukkie?” Donghae’s surprised voice said from the other end of the line.

Hyukjae grinned, still continuing to write on the paper in front of him. “Yo. Did I disturb anything?”

“Nothing at all,” Donghae responded, and for a moment Hyukjae could hear the sound of a blender running in the background. “Just making myself a smoothie. So what’s up?”

“Hae-ya, I need to ask for a favor,” Hyukjae began.

“A favor? Sure… if it’s in my power, I’ll do it.”

“Haha, it’s just a really small favor.”

“Really? Then what is it?”

“Hae-ya, I’m going to be leaving soon,” Hyukjae said softly. “So… Jongwoon-hyung will be left here all alone…”

“You’re leaving??” There was a clear note of surprise in Donghae’s voice. “When? Where?”

“Uh, soon… I’ll let you know when… and I’m just going some… someplace far…” Hyukjae said slowly, shutting his eyes in order to contain the emotion in his voice.

“Oh… is that for work?”

“Y… yeah.”

“I see. Will you be gone for a long time?”

“Yeah… so… I’d really appreciate it if you keep checking up on Jongwoon-hyung while I’m away…”

“Oh, is that it? Sure, no problem!” Hyukjae could almost feel the grin in Donghae’s voice. “I used to call Jongwoon-hyung a lot just to talk, but I stopped once you two started dating.”

Hyukjae laughed. “Yeah, I know… also, if Jongwoon-hyung calls you, don’t hang up the phone unless he does it first, okay?”

“Sheesh… of course! I also won’t ignore any of his calls!” Donghae exclaimed. “But why should I call him often, though? What about you?”

Hyukjae felt his throat constricting at the question. “Well… the place I’m going to…” he said carefully, a sad smile starting to play on his lips. “I can’t call anyone from there, so…”

“Ahh, I see,” Donghae replied in understanding. “No wonder you’re so worried about Jongwoon-hyung. Don’t worry, Hyukkie. I’ll take care of him when you’re gone!”

At that, Hyukjae started to cry. “I—I really hope you will…” he choked out. “Thank you so much…”

“Haha! Are you crying? Geez, don’t be so sad! Jongwoon-hyung is strong enough to hold on without you, so don’t worry about a thing! Besides, you’ll be coming back, right?”

Hyukjae could only smile sadly, though thankfully he wasn’t able to respond to that question since Donghae was already talking about another topic, something about having plain avocado for dinner. Health freak.

_“Besides, you’ll be coming back, right?”_

“I don’t think so, Donghae-ya…” Hyukjae whispered as he eventually ended the call, tears falling freely from his eyes. “I’m sorry…”

It was only the first call and yet he was already getting emotional. He really needed to toughen up this time.

Putting the pen down on the coffee table, he went to his contacts list and began calling after he composed himself.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Ryeowook-ah,” Hyukjae greeted cheerfully.

“Hyukjae-hyung?” Ryeowook sounded surprised. “What’s up? You don’t usually call me…”

“Well, you see, I’m leaving soon…”

Same line, same lie. Hyukjae swallowed the rising guilt in his throat as he asked for favors from Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, and Jungsoo, asking them to look after Jongwoon when he was gone for his ‘business trip’. Kyuhyun, ever the inquisitive one, asked him why he was being so vague with the details, but Hyukjae was good at evading questions, so Kyuhyun gave up and silently assumed that Hyukjae was just having a hard time thinking about leaving his boyfriend behind.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“Just let him touch your face however and whenever he wants, please?” Hyukjae said, giggling as Kyuhyun seemed to be fuming from the other end of the line.

“Ugh… _fine_ , fine! I’m doing this just because you’re the one asking me to… but remember! This’ll be the last time I ever heed your requests!” Kyuhyun warned, unaware of the turmoil in Hyukjae’s heart.

Hyukjae swallowed. “Y—Yeah… I promise it’ll… be the last time.”

The last call he made was to his sister. He wanted at least her out of his family to know. Sora didn’t deserve to suddenly receive news of his death without expecting it at all.

So, while in tears, Hyukjae told her to take good care of their mother who was still receiving treatment at the hospital. He promised to text and call her often from now on and even greet their mom occasionally. Since Sora had her own family and they lived far from the city but near their mother, she was the only one whom he could confide in.

It lessened the burden on his shoulders, but the guilt was increasing even more.

They really didn’t deserve this at all.

  
  
  


**IX.**

**“H** eechul-hyung.”

The aforementioned man looked up from his desk, startled at the sudden call of his name. “Oh? Hyukjae-ya,” Heechul greeted with a slow grin. “What’s up?”

“Hyung,” Hyukjae began, sitting on the chair beside the older man, “you mentioned to me a few days ago that you have two free vouchers for that famous resort by the beach, right?”

Heechul nodded slowly. “Yeah… I can’t use them since I’m too busy, and since the others are single—”

“Hyung!” Hyukjae grabbed Heechul by the shoulders excitedly. “Please let me have them!”

“Oh? So you decided to go have a brief getaway with your boyfriend, huh?” Heechul grinned, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. “Great choice, I must say!”

Hyukjae laughed at the older man’s silliness. “So can I have them, hyung? Please?”

Heechul chuckled along with him, ruffling his hair affectionately. “Of course you can, idiot. Here.” He rummaged inside his desk drawer for a bit before finally finding the coupons and giving them to Hyukjae. “I gave these to you, so don’t forget to invite me to the wedding, alright?!”

Hyukjae just kept on smiling. “Yes, of course! Thank you, hyung! Thank you _so_ much!”

Heechul waved him off dismissively. “Alright, fine. Have fun with your lover! Now leave me to my work, okay?”

Hyukjae nodded fervently, then began skipping away from Heechul’s desk. The latter could only shake his head fondly at their youngest co-worker’s antics. He really was like a kid sometimes.

However, before Hyukjae could leave the cubicle row, he seemed to pause in his tracks as if he were having an internal debate about something. Heechul watched, perplexed, as Hyukjae suddenly turned around, strode back over to him, and gave him a tight hug.

Heechul could practically feel his body squishing from the tight grip Hyukjae had on him. “ _Ooof!_ Wh—What the heck are you d—doing, you monkey?!” he choked out, tapping the younger’s shoulder repeatedly as a warning to let him go. “Are you killing me or something?! Let go this instant!”

Hyukjae grinned as he pulled away, letting Heechul take in big gulps of air. Afterwards, the older man gave him a death glare that could rival even hell’s most intense flames. “What the _hell_ was that for, bastard?!” he cursed.

“Nothing! I just…” Hyukjae seemed to shy away from his hyung’s fierce gaze.

Heechul raised an eyebrow. “You just _what_?”

“I…” Hyukjae smiled and started to back away from his hyung. “I just think that I’ll really miss you when I’m about to leave,” he replied softly, bowing his head towards a shell-shocked Heechul. “Thank you very much for everything, hyung.”

Heechul watched the younger leave, still frozen in shock. “G—Geez, that kid…” he muttered to himself as he turned back to his desk, feeling his heart somehow grow heavy from Hyukjae’s words. “He’s only leaving for a quick getaway with his boyfriend, so why’s he acting like he’s saying goodbye for a long while…”

  
  
  


**X.**

**A** fter that, everything was set. Hyukjae managed to convince Jongwoon to go to the resort last minute, and while they drove there they started talking about their plans when they’d arrive at the place. Hyukjae wanted to go to their amusement park nearby which was apparently a hot spot for tourists while Jongwoon wanted to go on walks along the beach. In the midst of their excitement, Hyukjae also mentioned that he wanted to see the sunrise together before they left.

When they reached the resort, they took their bags from the car and checked in with their room. Hyukjae proposed that they eat dinner together after going on the rides since he was afraid that they might throw up all the good food they ate. Jongwoon agreed with this, so after unpacking their things inside their room, they took a shower separately and dressed up for a fun night that was about to come.

A night that Hyukjae felt was going to be his last.

So, determined to enjoy every bit of tonight, Hyukjae dragged Jongwoon along with him to the amusement park, forcing him to ride on roller coasters and even the dreaded pirate ship. Jongwoon looked like a mess afterwards and his throat became slightly hoarse from all the yelling, so Hyukjae took pity on him and led him out towards the exit.

“ _Never_ take me to those kinds of rides again,” Jongwoon wheezed out as he gulped down a bottle of water he bought at one of the stands they passed earlier.

_Will there ever be a next time, though?_

Hyukjae laughed. “But hyung, didn’t you have fun? I had the time of my life!”

“ _You_ , maybe. But not me.” Jongwoon shuddered at the thought of having to board that blasted pirate ship again. “But… well, it felt good to see you look so alive.” He smiled at his lover. “You seemed a bit sad these past few days, so I’m really glad that you took us here. I think we really needed this.”

Hyukjae felt a weight on his heart that hadn’t been there before. “Ah… yeah…” he said hesitantly, choosing to look out towards the view instead. They were now starting to approach the beach; since it was getting late at night, only a few people were there, enjoying their time with each other. There were even a few couples sitting on the shore, talking animatedly and leaning their heads against their partner’s shoulders.

Jongwoon spotted a trash can nearby and threw his empty bottle there. “Anyway, since we’re here, let’s go for a walk.”

Hyukjae nodded with an eager smile. “Sure, let’s.”

As they enjoyed their evening stroll by the beach, Hyukjae linked his arms with Jongwoon, content by the warmth his boyfriend was always able to give him.

Everything felt so peaceful and filling and Hyukjae relished _every_ moment of it, knowing that his time was slowly running out.

However, the night that he’d expected to be fairly uneventful was broken the moment Jongwoon got on his knees before him, telling him all the things he loved about him as well as revealing how much he wanted Hyukjae by his side.

It was all too sudden, too unexpected.

However, happiness still burst inside his chest, enveloping him with a strong sense of gratitude that he couldn’t express in mere words. Here he was, so undeserving of all the love Jongwoon had given him all these years, and yet Jongwoon never failed to make him feel like he was worth it in every way.

And then...

“Will you marry me?”

Hyukjae’s heart stopped.

_Can I… really?_ he wondered.

Despite his hesitance, Hyukjae nodded, too choked up to say anything. Jongwoon stood up and slipped the ring into his finger, Hyukjae watching him with tears welling up in his eyes. Unable to hold it in any longer, Hyukjae threw himself at him at that moment and Jongwoon caught him in his arms, laughing softly as Hyukjae sobbed into his shoulder.

“Wh—When I said I w—wanted to get married by the sea,” Hyukjae stammered, “I never imagined you’d p—propose to me here, too…”

_Why?_

_Why do you make me feel so happy…?_

“I told you that we’ll be together until we get sick of each other,” Jongwoon said soothingly, rubbing circles on the younger’s back comfortingly.

_You… you really mean it…?_

“When did you buy that ring a—anyway?” Hyukjae choked out, his mind reeling with unanswered questions. “We just went here last minute, so how—”

Jongwoon chuckled. “Silly.” He pulled back and stared at Hyukjae in the eyes with a gentle smile that made the latter’s heart skip a beat. “A few months ago, actually.”

Hyukjae was dumbfounded. _That long…? That would mean…_

_Even after he knew…?_

“I’ve been trying to find the perfect opportunity… and I’ve always wanted to marry you, so…”

The words were lost in Hyukjae’s head as he immediately wrapped his arms around Jongwoon in an emotional embrace, nestling his head against the crook of his lover’s neck and wetting his clothes with his tears. He was _so_ happy that he was starting to feel like — for just _one_ moment, this one right here — he could forget all of his worries right then and there and just enjoy this time with his lover.

_I love him…_

_I love him… so much..._

_God…_

_I don’t want to leave…_

  
  
  


**XI.**

**B** ecause they were too wide-awake due to the earlier excitement, they decided to forgo sleep and began talking about funny moments from the past. Hyukjae enjoyed telling stories; it felt like everything was back to normal once again, just laughing freely like this with his lover — no, _fiancé_ now — and best friend. However, he was also starting to feel the effects of sleepiness. In spite of that though, something inside him begged him not to let himself surrender to this compulsion.

As if giving in to the urge would be the last time he’d ever spend another moment with Jongwoon.

So Hyukjae endured it, and watched with half-lidded eyes as Jongwoon checked the time on his phone.

“Do you wanna go watch the sunrise?” Jongwoon asked.

_Oh, right… it’s nearing morning already..._

Hyukjae nodded nevertheless. “Sure! We can sleep afterwards,” he responded, getting out of the bed and stretching his arms.

As Jongwoon nodded back and smiled, Hyukjae managed to fish out his phone from his pocket and send one last text to his sister whom he’d been communicating with frequently these days.

_Noona… I know you’re sleeping right now. I’m sorry. By the time you get this text, it might already be morning. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to last that long._

_Noona, thank you for everything. I love you and Mom so much._

●◉◎◈◎◉●

When they got out of the resort and made themselves comfortable on one of the benches by the seaside that overlooked the horizon, the two of them started talking about the gorgeous view. Specks of orange and yellow began coloring the dark-gray sky, peeking out from the thick clouds. The transition was quick yet stunning to look at; soon enough, the sun began peeking out from the horizon, bringing with it bright colors of orange that illuminated the sky and the surroundings.

When Hyukjae saw the beautiful sight, he could feel something heavy lifting off of his shoulders, lightening his heart and setting it free. However, with this liberty came a strange kind of exhaustion that began nagging at his body, pulling it down towards an abyss.

“...” Hyukjae began rubbing at his eyes, feeling it drooping from the lids. He and Jongwoon hadn’t had any sleep since earlier, and he was already exhausted from restraining himself.

“Hyung… I’m sleepy,” he said quietly, letting out a yawn as he placed his head on Jongwoon’s lap. Jongwoon allowed him, and Hyukjae could feel his lover’s fingers gently threading through his hair. Jongwoon had always loved touching his strands and caressing his scalp, and Hyukjae loved it as well. He felt like he was being enveloped by a beautiful kind of warmth, like he was being constantly shown love with the little things.

“Take a nap, then.” Jongwoon’s soft voice drifted into his ears, soothing him. “I’ll be here to wake you up when it gets too hot to be here outside.”

Hyukjae smiled at that. How could he deserve all this love that was being showered upon him so selflessly by his fiancé? “Thanks, hyung,” he said gratefully, snuggling closer to his lover and wrapping his arms around his waist.

They stayed like that for a few moments, with Jongwoon peacefully enjoying the view and Hyukjae relishing the warmth of his fiancé’s body. Instead of feeling afraid of the unknown pull that was urging him to sleep, Hyukjae felt nothing but pure happiness in his heart. With Jongwoon by his side, the fear was vanishing.

As long as Jongwoon was here, he was never going to be afraid.

Not even of death.

_If this is goodbye..._

“Hyung, I’ve never told you this, right?” Hyukjae began quietly, the smile on his face growing. “I always made fun of you and teased you a lot whenever you told this to me and I never said it back. I’m actually… well, just embarrassed… it’s the first time I ever felt this way with someone, after all.”

_...then I might as well say goodbye properly._

When Jongwoon looked down at him, the surprise evident on his expression, Hyukjae stared back with his unwavering smile.

“Oh… well, it’s no problem…” Jongwoon responded slowly, understanding what the younger was talking about. “You can say it whenever you like. I don’t mind. I already feel how much you care for me.” His lips began to curve into a grateful smile, and Hyukjae felt like his heart was already full.

_He’s so beautiful when he smiles._

“Why are you suddenly being sentimental like this, though?” Jongwoon asked with a low chuckle. “Usually you’d just tease me a lot and tell me that I’m sensitive enough for the both of us. What brought on this sort of change?”

“Hmm? I don’t know…” Hyukjae wanted to sound teasing, but after the words came out of his lips, he yawned again, feeling his eyelids starting to droop even more. “I just feel like saying these things to you… as your new fiancé, hehe.”

_I’m saying goodbye, Jongwoon-ah._

A few moments passed by just like that, and Hyukjae was beginning to feel like his time was running out.

_Do you already realize that I’m trying to say goodbye?_

“I know about it, you know,” Hyukjae spoke up quietly, absently playing with the material of Jongwoon’s shirt.

“Know what?” Jongwoon asked, continuing to play with his fiancé’s hair.

Hyukjae turned his gaze away as the truth finally slipped out of his lips. “What you’ve always been trying to hide from me.”

There was a beat of stunned silence between them as Jongwoon seemed to be processing what Hyukjae just said.

“You… you _know_ …?” Jongwoon choked out.

Hyukjae smiled. “Yeah… I do.”

_And I’m sorry..._

“I understand why you never told me, though... It must’ve been really painful for you… I could see it in your eyes sometimes.”

_Whenever you looked at me with those sad eyes like your heart was breaking just by staring at my face..._

Hyukjae took a breath before continuing, letting go of all the things he’d been keeping inside his chest. “So I kept my awareness a secret from you, too. I’m sorry…”

This time, the silence between them lasted longer. Hyukjae waited patiently, still fighting the urge to sleep and end it all now. He still wanted to talk more with Jongwoon, to smile more with him, to laugh more and cry and kiss until they’d impossibly get enough of each other.

So when Hyukjae heard a sniffle coming from his lover’s lips and felt the older’s body trembling against his touch, he smiled sadly.

“Hyung...” Hyukjae said softly. “...are you crying?”

_I’m sorry._

“No,” Jongwoon replied with a somewhat steady voice. “No, Hyukjae-ya. I—I’m fine.”

_Are you, really?_

However, Hyukjae could only grin, not wanting to worry Jongwoon any further if he, too, started to break down in front of him.

_I’ll be strong for you, my love._

Lifting his hand to rub the tiredness in his eyes, Hyukjae yawned. His body was already feeling exhausted, but he didn’t want to give up yet.

_I feel like our time together has never been enough..._

“I’ll always be here for you,” Hyukjae voiced out softly. “I’ll never really leave you, so… we’ll stay happy together, OK?”

_Don’t some people say that spirits do exist?_ Hyukjae thought to himself absently. _And don’t some say that when people die, they become stars…?_

_Whatever it is, whichever I become… I know that I’ll always be watching over you._

“Okay… I understand. Th—Thank you, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon managed to choke out. “I’m… I’m so lucky… to have someone like you in my life.”

Hyukjae felt tears filling his eyes as well. He let them fall first and wiped them away inconspicuously with Jongwoon’s shirt.

_Why are you thanking me…? When I only made you suffer all this time…_

_But…_

“...And I’m lucky to have you, too,” Hyukjae responded, a bright grin spreading on his face as he faced his lover with the most tender gaze he could muster.

_Thank you, too, hyung… for never leaving me._

And when he spoke his next words, they felt so foreign on his tongue. He had never really said them out loud before, but it was understood between the two of them that this was always his true feelings.

_I don’t want to leave any more regrets._

“I love you, Jongwoon-ah…”

Hyukjae watched as a tear escaped Jongwoon’s left eye and the latter nodded fervently, seemingly overcome with emotion. “Yeah… I love you too, Hyukjae-ya…” he whispered, just loud enough for the younger to hear.

Hyukjae smiled and buried his face into Jongwoon’s shirt. He began memorizing his lover’s scent, began feeling every inch of his skin against his, began repeating Jongwoon’s deep, beautiful voice inside his head.

“Mmhmm… let’s get married by the sea someday, okay…” Hyukjae murmured, snuggling close to his lover.

Jongwoon laughed, squeezing Hyukjae’s shoulder in response. “Of course. Anything for you…” His voice seemed to echo now as Hyukjae slowly allowed himself to be pulled away by the unknown abyss.

So when he closed his eyes, he knew that this was it. He could feel his heart starting to slow, his body beginning to fall victim to extreme tiredness. He could still breathe, but his mind was starting to shut down as if he were slowly being coerced into a deep sleep.

Somehow, at that moment, images began to fill his head, one by one. The times when he was a kid, playing in the sandbox with his friends, laughing happily as if he hadn’t had a care in the world. The times when he was in grade school, too lazy to do his assignments and preferring to watch cartoons instead, much to the displeasure of his parents. The times when he was a high school teenager, sometimes ditching classes to go play at a PC room, eating ramen noodles while killing enemies on the computer. The times when he was a college student, ambitious and hardworking as he plowed through his exams and thesis papers. The times when he saw his parents fighting with each other for no reason at all, hiding behind the wall and listening to their arguments every night with teary eyes. The times when he dated Jongwoon, enjoying each other’s presence under the cherry blossom trees, talking about random things and chuckling at the funny stories they told.

The times when he lived together with Jongwoon, arguing about what to cook for dinner, complaining about whose turn it was to wash the dishes, fighting over the TV, comforting each other at their worst, kissing and making up because they could never stay angry at each other for long.

The time when Jongwoon knelt before him and asked him to marry him.

As that memory resurfaced in his mind, Hyukjae started to wish that he could’ve stayed on longer, at least just to know how it felt to be married. His friends would’ve been there, cheering for him. Jongwoon’s friends, too. Hyukjae would’ve convinced Jungsoo to play the piano since he was good at it, and he would’ve made Donghae his best man.

Hyukjae wondered what would happen after that. Would they adopt kids soon after? Hyukjae had always wanted children, and he knew Jongwoon did, too. Whenever the older saw children running around, he’d have this beautiful, longing smile on his face. Hyukjae never told this to him, but that smile was the reason why he kept on pestering Jongwoon about adopting after they married one day.

Hyukjae’s mind slowly shut down as the images began to fade away. He imagined Jongwoon’s happy face one more time, how the older’s expression would’ve looked like had they said their vows to each other. Now he was envisioning Jongwoon’s face once he was gone from his life, and Hyukjae’s chest suddenly throbbed in regret. He didn’t want to leave him like this, but he had no choice. He could only hope that Jongwoon would stay strong. Not only for himself, but for Hyukjae, too.

Because in all honesty, Jongwoon was the strongest one out of the two of them.

_I hope... he won’t cry too much today..._

It was Hyukjae’s last thought in his mind before he finally drifted off to sleep.

_**fin** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ending BGM](https://open.spotify.com/album/5IiFzaJRQ43YedHDxSL9ap?highlight=spotify:track:1sFLILslPYJgMEJkDwRGcB)  
> Thank you for reading until the end! ♡


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